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Old Men Yell At Clouds: What We Missed On Today’s Episode Of The Cousins

The Cousins are back five days a week at 9:00 a.m. EDT Monday through Friday on SiriusXM85. I’ll be hosting Mondays and Fridays and Smitty and Trent will be trading off weeks hosting on Tuesdays through Thursdays. 

No one on earth preps more for 55 minutes of radio than Cousin Mike and Cousin Murray. Because we get to about 2% of the material they send in, here is your run down of the best things that they would have liked to yell about but didn’t have time (and maybe a few things they DID yell about but are funny anyway). 

Today we talked potential moderators for the debate and the origins of my name, which seems to fascinate Cousin Mike.

Without further ado, here are some of the stories we were not able to get to on today’s show.

Putin’s Alleged Lover Disappears

Shocking news out of Russia! Alina Kabaeva, a former Olympic champion rhythmic gymnast who has been rumored to have had a long term affair with Russian president Vladimir Putin, has not been seen in public since she was two months pregnant. The 37 year old reportedly gave birth to twins in April 2019. Considering Putin’s attitude toward people who give him bad press (there is an ENTIRE wiki page dedicated to opposition Russian journalists who have been killed), people are speculating there might be foul play. 

Former DOD Aerospace Chief Says UFOs Threatened Nuclear Arsenal

On top of Jerry Thornton’s blog yesterday about Senator Harry Reid apparently saying UFOs are messing with our nuclear arsenal, Luiz Eilzondo -- who ran an “important Dept. of Defense program” -- left the DOD two weeks ago and confirmed that “UFOs are a real; they exist, and they have been officially documented.” He also plans on releasing more government footage of UFOs. I mean, how much more evidence do we need that they are among us? 

Raccoons Harass White House Reporters

A gang of raccoons has taken up residence in the White House Rose Garden and are now harassing reporters. White House reporter Paula Reid declared it had “Pawnee” vibes from the show Parks & Rec. 

Trash pandas are the most overrated animals on earth, so I don’t begrudge any reporter who throws things at them when they come out. Rabies, you know.

Psych Study Finds Right Wing Authoritarians Have Little Sense of Humor

Personality & Individual Differences is a peer reviewed journal that published a new study that found people who identified on a test as “Right Wing Authoritarianism” make lots of jokes that make fun of marginalized people, but struggle to create anything actually funny. They tested 186 people (77% women) for Right Wing Authoritarianism (RWA) then tested them for humor production by asking the identified RWAs to caption blank cartoons. People low in RWA created funnier jokes, based on raters’ scores, while people with high RWA appeared as much, much less funny. Maybe this is why so many comedians are liberal? Maybe that's where there's barely any successful women comedians? We women are just not funny and that's a fact. Except for Kate. Kate is a hoot. 

Women Should Be Wary Of Men With Deep Voices

A Chinese study argues that men with lower voices are more likely to cheat. Yeah, probably because they have more opportunities to. They had test subjects read a list of words, measured them for pitch and frequency, then tested them for their opinions on fidelity. “The men with deeper voices were found to be less committed to romantic relationships and more likely to cheat.” So go find Barry White if you want a good time, but if you want a man who doesn’t cheat? Go find yourself a Mickey Mouse. 

Onions Flagged As “Too Sexy” By Facebook’s Algorithm 

A Canadian ad for onions was flagged as “overtly sexual” by Facebook’s algorithm. According to a notice sent to the Canadian Gaze Seed company, the onions in the photo were positioned in a “sexually suggestive manner.” The president of the company said, “it’s just onions.” From April to June 2020, Facebook’s algorithms removed 35.7 million photos that violated their adult nudity and sexual activity policies.

Remember, every Monday and Friday, I’ll fill you in on the things that we don’t get to on radio, so you can get a deeper look into the mind of the man who made Dave Portnoy (and his best friend of 50 years and wife’s cousin Murray).