Ding, Dong, The FIFA Witch is Dead


I enjoy soccer. I enjoy being happy. However, as a Spurs and USMNT fan, I don’t have much experience in talking about those two concepts in the same sentence. So please keep that in mind while reading the words (or pictures, for some of you) I am about to write…

YES, the unthinkable has happened. Sepp Blatter is resigning effective… well, we’re not exactly sure, but by all accounts it is going to happen very soon.


How did we get here? Well here – LINK – is a little reminder about all the shit that went down just last week.

As a way-too-brief recap, after decades and decades of nobody doing a damn thing about the endemic corruption inside FIFA, the FBI stepped up and arrested some mid-level guys on May 27. In the meantime there have been a lotttttttt of stories about the ridiculous behaviour of various FIFA members, including the world’s ugliest cat lady, Chuck Blazer


…and world’s dumbest idiot, Jack Warner


And there were tons of whispers about who would be the next domino to fall. Yet when FIFA called an emergency press conference this morning, I and pretty much everybody else figured it would likely be to announce the “resignation” of somebody like Blatter’s right-hand man Jerome Valcke, who is suspected to have been involved with a $10 million bribe right up.

“Yo Jerome, you coming to the FIFA press conference this afternoon?”

“Nah, Sepp said to wait here for a little while so I’ll just catch up with you guys later.”

“Nah, Sepp said to wait here for a bit. I’ll just catch up with you guys later.”

BUT WHAT, WHAT’S THIS? Lo and behold, it was not Valcke who got the boot, nor was it any other sacrificial lambs who put out for slaughter. Instead it was Sepp Blatter himself reading a hastily written speech essentially saying that for “the good of the game” he would be stepping down.

Forgive me for not remembering anything else that was said as I was too busy using happy tears to masturbate furiously for the rest of the press conference, but all that matters is that Blatter is gone and soccer is free and all is right in the world… until, of course, the next incoming FIFA regime gets a taste of the good life, starts paying off and silencing critics, and the “cycle of life” begins again.



A few answers to your important questions…

How’d it happen?

Make no mistake, the FBI did not topple Blatter directly. They might still get to him, and my god would that be awesome, and the US-led investigation is clearly what set this “thing” in motion. However, what really caused Blatter to get heave-ho was the rich white dudes who run the huge corporations and started feeling the pressure from the soccer community and acted swiftly to explain to FIFA in the only language they understand – MONEY – that they were going to pull their sponsorship unless Blatter got kicked to the curb.




What now?

There will be a new election for president of FIFA that will be held – at the earliest – in December for Blatter’s replacement. The organization will want to make it look as “democratic” as possible, and thus push for at least a handful of candidates to run. Prince Ali bin Hussein (president of Jordan’s soccer association) and Michel Platini (head of UEFA) are the leading candidates. Some people have suggested Sunil Galati (head of US Soccer) should run but that is a non-starter for many, many reasons. More importantly, regardless of who wins, this is not going to be a quick process. For real change to take place though there needs to be a wholesale, top-to-bottom changing of the guard at the organization. That will take time. Perhaps a lot of time.


What about the World Cups?

Honestly, I have no fucking idea. I highly, HIGHLY doubt that the 2018 World Cup will get removed from Russia. There isn’t a lot of time between then and now and Putin will undoubtedly turn it into an “Us versus Them” political issue that a newly weakened FIFA won’t have the guns or the balls to deal with. As far for the 2022 World Cup, that is likely far more up in the air at this point, with the most logical alternative locations being the US (#1) and Australia (#2). Yesterday I would have said WC22 would absolutely not get moved, but then again I didn’t think Blatter’s head would roll so quickly either.


Point being: the soccer universe was rocked today in a way that it never has in any of our lifetimes, and it’s going to take a few months, perhaps even years for things to shake out. For right now though I’m too happy to write any more.

Me rn, definitely

Me rn, probably



(In the meantime, a programming note: Women’s World Cup preview coming in the next couple days.)

One for the road

One for the road

Samuel R. Army