Metro- If you’re not enjoying your job, spare a thought for the pigeons’ anus checkers in China. Yes, there is someone checking 10,000 the backsides of pigeons. They were examined for explosives ahead of today’s National Day, reflecting the government’s nervousness about possible attacks. They were released in Tiananmen Square as part of the 65th anniversary celebrations of the founding of the People’s Republic of China. Beijing domestic security police officer Guo Chunwei was quoted in the Jinghua Times as saying workers checked the wings, legs and anus of each pigeon ahead of time to ensure they were ‘not carrying suspicious material.’ The entire process was videotaped, and the birds were then loaded into sealed vehicles for the trip to Tiananmen Square, the newspaper said. A similar report appeared in the Beijing News, and the People’s Daily tweeted about it in English: ‘10,000 pigeons go through anal security check for suspicious objects Tue, ready to be released on National Day on Wed.’ The reports – which did not say what the suspicious materials might be – drew amused and derisive responses from some Chinese readers, and many news sites, including the Beijing News website, later deleted the reports. However, the Jinghua Times report and the People’s Daily tweet were still visible as of midday Wednesday.
I’m shocked by a few things about this story. I’m shocked a country can be so paranoid that the idea of searching the butt holes of 10,000 pigeons even occurs to a person. Bomb sniffing dogs, snipers on the roof, metal detectors, emergency escape routes. I get all of that. Those things are common sense protocol for the most part when you’re having a big celebration. But for somebody to raise their hand and say, “What about the assholes of pigeons? Shouldn’t we search those for explosives?” Forget the pigeons. Interrogate the dude who came up with this idea. He’s the one who’s up to no good, not the innocent pigeons who are being picked out of an airport line for no reason. He’s throwing everybody off the scent with the suggestion. He tells Chinese officials to search the pigeons then he goes and sticks every explosive he can find up the assholes of eagles. Done and done. They’ll never think of eagles! Genius. Most shocking thing though is that there were people willing to search the anuses of 10,000 pigeons. It’s like that Seinfeld bit where he’s shocked that there are people willing to do every job out there.* Well I’m shocked there are people willing to search pigeon asses for bombs. I’m surprised during the morning meeting when it was announced that today they would be digging into bird butt holes the entire staff didn’t just walk out right then and there. If a bunch of explosive pigeons ruin the ceremony, so be it. I’m not anally probing birds. That would’ve been the sane thing to do. But instead they stayed and searched for explosives in the weirdest place possible. Then again, it is China so who fucking knows what’s going on.
*That’s a Seinfeld bit, right? I was almost positive it was but then I couldn’t find it anywhere.
PS- An underrated part of the story is where they said they video taped the entire search process. Yep, gonna need that for later. So next year on the anniversary when we have a new crop of workers, because our current employees for sure quit after today, we can show them how it’s done properly. Weird as fuck all the way around.