Barstool vs. America presented by High Noon - Season 2 | Episode 4 Premieres Tonight 7PM ETTUNE IN

What Should The Punishment Be For Pooping In A Box And Putting It Back On The Store Shelf?

"A man's gotta go, when a man's gotta go."

While everyone can respect that phrase, I'm not sure it extends this far. The phrase in and of itself is rather redundant. Like obviously a man has to go when he has to go, that's why he's going or actively trying to go. There's no real meaning behind it. It's just something your dad can tell you before he goes and bombs the bathroom for forty minutes straight, effectively turning the bathroom into a toxic wasteland of sorts. Classic. 

That being said it just kind of makes sense. It's like an unwritten rule of sorts. Did I want to take a thirty-minute diarrhea detour whilst working a shift at a store designed for teenage girls who would end my entire life if they found out I was erupting like Mount Vesuvius? No. No, I didn't. But sometimes the cheesesteak you ate on your thirty-minute dinner break does the deciding for you. The bottom line is I'm not here to shit shame.

The phrase, however, is only "acceptable" when there is a toilet nearby...

VAN BUREN TOWNSHIP, Mich. (WXYZ) — Van Buren police are searching for a man who defecated into an empty box at Meijer.

Police say the man opened the box, defecated in it, put it back on the shelf, and then stole an item before leaving the store. He was last seen leaving the parking lot in a light-colored Ford Escape.

Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.

Oh. My. Days. (I'm feeling a little British today, sue me)

Accidentally soiling your tighty whities en route to the grocery store's public bathroom is one thing. You made the effort, you tried your best to get there but you were stopped at the goal-line by the shit gods. Happens to the best. 

But when you pull over en route to the bathroom to absolutely RUIN some box in this grocery store, you deserved to be sent to jail. Jail probably isn't even enough. That person should be maimed, tortured, and arguably killed for his crimes. Bite the bullet one time, be a team player, and shit your pants. 

The craziest part about the whole thing is that no one knows his true motives. This man could've just performed this drive by shit of sorts for fun. In that case, punishment is necessary. You can't be having madmen pooping all over stores like this - it's barbaric. Let's maybe check the tapes on that one because if this guy walked into the store with the sole purpose of leaving a doodoo special in someone's bran flakes, we have a borderline terrorist on our hands. 

Imagine coming home with groceries, only to find that some sick fuck took a dump right in your wholesale box of cheez its. Catastrophic. What's even worse is that some poor employee who's getting paid 10 bucks an hour had to dispose of/clean this whole thing up. If my boss asked me to do that I'd quit probably do it because I'm a sucker and don't do awkward confrontations (despite every interaction I have being naturally awkward). 

I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting but this menace has to be stopped. At all costs. We - as a society - CANNOT afford to deal with serial poopers ruining our groceries and therefore our days. 

PS - what's a poop story without some Jim Lahey shitisms to brighten up your day. RIP.