Alex Bennett and Coach Duggs Make Their Fighting Debuts In Rough N' Rowdy 18 — Friday 8PM ETBUY NOW

The Official Miami Marlins Scouting Report

You gotta be dry fuckin the shit outta me if you think we're taking the Marlins and their -39 run differential serious. No offense to all 17 Marlins fans that consume my hard hitting analysis. I just can't find the mental strength and endurance to feign respect. Not with Brandon Kintzler closing games and Derek Jeter gift basketing the farm system to pay debts. Sue me for being a cynical prick. A smarter blogger would respect the fact that the Marlins have never lost a playoff series, but I am not that blogger.

Instead I want to take a brief moment to recognize that the Cubs very well could lose the next 2 games. WE CAN GET SWEPT. IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. But I also know that the Cubs could just as easily smash the Marlins back onto their non-chartered American Airlines flight out of O'Hare tomorrow evening. The point of this blog is to professionally remind you of either possibility while displaying the least amount of respect to the Miami Marlins as possible. It's a fine line that only seasoned men like me know how to toeNot pictured: my mustache

Point is the Marlins shouldn't even be in the same breath as the Cubs as an organization. We spend $230M or something like that on player salaries. We're loaded with established superstars and run by some of the smartest and most successful executives in baseball history. We have more resources and advantages relative to the Miami Marlins than should be legally allowed under the MLB bylaws and that's being conservative. On paper, there's absolutely no reason to even compare these two clubs. In a perfectly efficient world we'd all save ourselves a lot of time and trouble if the Marlins just went out and shot themselves. 

But this isn't a perfect world. The Marlins have some decent starting pitching. It's just a 3-game series. We're playing day baseball for like the 2nd time all year and it's a crisp 58 degrees. There's definitely a reason to show up with some focus and intensity without expecting the Marlins to roll over like Old Yeller. You still have to go out and beat them. I feel like this is the exact reason the Marlins have never lost a playoff series. No one ever takes them seriously so they win the world series every time they go to the playoffs. 

Well today that bullshit stops. Today we get locked in and murder the Marlins because that's what championship caliber men do. 

Today it just comes down to Rizzo and Baez and Bryant and Lester and Contreras and Happ and Heyward and Schwarber and whoever else just showing up and being better. That's why it doesn't matter how hard you scout the Marlins. Because if these guys show up, everybody's fucked. Certainly not just Miami.