Black Friday Weekend - 20% OffShop Now

Hell Yeah, Amazon Invented Technology To Let Us Pay For Shit Using The Palm Of Our Hands Now

 

Hell yeah! Who needs credit cards or Apple Pay and what the fuck even is cash? Imagine when you tell your granchildren you used to carry around pieces paper with dead old presidents on them? Not to mention coins. Yuck! Because if we're paying using the palm of our hands in 2020, lord knows how we'll be doing it in 2050. I imagine it'll be like that Justin Timberlake movie where you pay with time because Bezos invents immortality (if him and Lizard Boy Zuckerberg haven't already). Anyone see that movie? Awesome concept, kinda shitty execution, but I liked it nonetheless. 

So how is this going to work anyway? Let's find out!

 

Vox - Amazon on Tuesday is unveiling a new biometric technology called Amazon One that allows shoppers to pay at stores by placing their palm over a scanning device when they walk in the door or when they check out. The first time they register to use this tech, a customer will scan their palm and insert their payment card at a terminal; after that, they can simply pay with their hand. The hand-scanning tech isn’t just for Amazon’s own stores — the company hopes to sell it to other retailers, including competitors, too.

 

To be honest I'm kinda disappointed in Bezos. This is not too different from using your eyes or thumbprint to open up your iPhone. Just put a fucking chip in us already you pussy Bezos. Get into hospitals and chip our brains when we're born. That's when I'll know you're not fucking around. Oh you can read our palm, big deal, so can the homeless lady on the street who charges $10 to tell you your fortune. 

And let's just cut to it when we find out in 20 years they have been using this technology to clone us for some clone army they are going to use to take control of the world. You think Amazon actually cares if we check out of Best Buy faster? Fuck no. This is for some devious shit they're cooking up. And the thing is, Zuck and Gates and the rest of those aliens know it and will be making their own psycho shit tech to rule the world too. And we'll just all accept it like the pawns in the game that we are. Damn did that get too real? Oh well. The sun will explode soon enough, there's nothing really to worry about.