There is no bigger argument hotter in the Barstool Twitter streets right now than this. It all started with a Coley vs Dana B 1-on-1 challenge, which then led to this tweet. Brandon Walker claiming he can beat anyone in the company in basketball because there are 'no real basketball players.' Must have missed when Brandon became one, gets lost in those 90 hour work weeks. So as someone who fell in this category while also spending way too much time watching and talking basketball, I figured let's get to the tape. It's time to power rank and break down the games of the 'not real basketball players at Barstool.' This was done with a great deal of research. A great deal of questioning and a great deal of watching the tape. Let's get to the list of those I saw responding plus a couple others.
Pros: There's exactly one video of him making a jumper, which is more to say than most hockey players. Chief has decent size on him, which is essentially good for 5 fouls in about 3 minutes of action.
Cons: There are plenty. As I mentioned he's a hockey guy. Hockey guys simply can't play basketball. That said, I'm not quite sure Chief can play hockey either.
Pros: Shockingly nimble for a big man. Has a secret identity to him similar to Olympic Melo that Latvia Clem might be the top hooper in the company. Clearly a crafty finisher around the rim.
Cons: Worried about how many 15-second food reviews have taken away his first step. A little TOO flashy for my liking. No need to go behind the back. Might have some pent up anger due to dad life, might cause a fight with a hard foul.
Pros: Does have experience trying out for a semi-pro team. Long ass arms which means his lazy comparison for everyone will be Kevin Durant. Invites me to play at the gym whenever I'm in New York, might just be a suck-up though.
Cons: Did you see the video?
7. Brandon Walker
Pros: Again, shockingly nimble for a big man from Mississippi. Showed a wide array of post moves and even into the midrange. Confidence through the roof. Not afraid to play bully ball vs a girl. Like the attitude there.
Cons: Claims he needs two months just to get into shape. There are surprisingly not unlimited timeouts during actual basketball. Confidence or hubris? A whole lot of clanks after the moves in the video. Will he even have time to play with the workload he currently has?
6. Big Cat
Pros: A known rebounder and self-proclaimed excellent pick setter. You need a guy like that. Also plenty of examples of being a great bench mob guy
Cons: A whole lot of Saturday morning donut trips now. Went to Wisconsin, known for not winning championships in basketball (or any other sport). A little concerned he had to play 2v1 to win a game.
Pros: Known for being a knockdown shooter from rec league days. See the above video of him dunking, sneaky athletic. Also sneaky tall. Remember the Barstool rumor from the real old school days of him being short because of a picture with Jenna Marbles? Can confirm he's not short.
Cons: Became known for missing a bunch of shots during the Barstool Intramural team.
Pros: Let her shoot. Dribbles around her apartment so much she gets noise complaints. Seems dedicated to the game.
Cons: Compliment of the season. Known for falling for scams, seems easy to get with a double move. Trail Blazers fan, enough said. May pull a move that's worse looking than her actual jumper
Pros: Friend of Stephen A. Smith. Tall. Like really tall. Is the one who will issue a challenge. From Boston, which means he probably tries to be a mix of Larry Bird and Bill Russell.
Cons: From Boston and probably tries to be a mix of Larry Bird and Bill Russell. Worried about his ability to look up to get a rebound.
2. Dana B
Pros: Actually played basketball. He played so much actual basketball he averaged a double-double, ever heard about it? Again, another tall guy - what's with all the size at this company?
Cons: Has self-proclaimed moved to 2XL life mostly due to zillions of deletions at the factory. Is he shying away from Coley? Where's the competitive drive? Might head off to Vegas on a whim for the hell of it. Loose cannon there.
Pros: High basketball IQ. Scrappy. Left-handed and pretty sure no one at this company knows how to stop a left-hander and/or forget how to stop a left-hander. Crafty veteran of the game. Sneaky athletic. A real gym rat.
Cons: None except might play down to competition to make co-workers feel better.
So there you have it. The completely unbiased, fully researched breakdown of all the basketball players at Barstool. None of which are actual basketball players, we are bloggers and personalities.