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2020 Doing 2020 Things: Apparently We're All About To Get Eaten By Feral Pigs

(DAILY MAIL

The United States is on the cusp of a huge pig 'time bomb' with the number feral hogs increasing in huge numbers. 

Research scientist Dr. Jack Mayer, a zoologist who has been researching wild pigs for 40 years, has warned that the population could keep on growing unless there is a sudden swine flu epidemic. 

'It's a crazy situation with everything that's happened in what I call the Pig Bomb, which has exploded in North America,' Jack Mayer told The Daily Beast about the wild population of six million and two million in Texas alone. 

Across the U.S. as a whole there are currently believed to me as many as nine million feral swine in 39 states and they are expanding at a rate of 35,000 square miles a year.   

'I've heard it referred to as a feral swine bomb,' said Dale Nolte, manager of the National Feral Swine Damage Management Program at the U.S. Department of Agriculture to The Atlantic. 

'They multiply so rapidly. To go from a thousand to two thousand, it's not a big deal. But if you've got a million, it doesn't take long to get to four million, then eight million.'

The pigs aren't the cuddly cartoon kind but a mixture of breeds coupled with wild boar.

Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.

Maybe Yoenis Cespedes wasn't completely full of shit after all. Maybe the human race is, in fact, about to be swallowed whole by millions of rabid zombie pigs and he was patient zero. Would that shock anyone at this point? It's the last quarter of 2020, the weirdest year in the history of recorded record (I calculated that myself and double checked the math, it's correct) so anytime you hear about a new apocalyptic event that's about to wipe us out, all anyone can do is roll their eyes. I mean is anyone really scared of "pig bombs"? Because I'm not. I just chalk it up to another fucked up occurrence in a sea of fucked up occurrences that is the year 2020. 

Also, a little known fact: I fucking love bacon. Any pork, really, but I put bacon on anything I can. Bacon is the shit, and that is a fact. 

I don't know if these feral zombie pigs are as tasty as the cute and cuddly little oinkers that make us all salivate on the reg when we're cooking/frying/smoking them, but I am willing to take my chances. Sounds like we need to thin out the herd anyways and I'm willing to pack my freezer with as much of their meat as I can. One of you just needs to kill one (or as many as possible), process them, and ship them to me on dry ice. Thanks. DM me for my address. I'll take a smorgasbord of different cuts. 

But back to the pig bomb that's gonna wipe out humanity… SNOOZE!!! We're already dealing with a billion other apocalyptic events right now, like zombie fires for example 

You think some 400 pound pig that doesn't even have disposable thumbs which inhibits its ability to pull a trigger scares me? Hell fucking no. Bring on the pig bomb then let me watch my first place team in peace, 2020, you fucking cocksucker.