St. Patrick's Day Collection | T-Shirts, Hoodies, Crewnecks, Hats, FlagsSHOP NOW

Chick Narrates The Surveillance Tape Of Her Being Held At Gunpoint During The Worst Armed Robbery Of All Time

On Thursday, May 14 2015, in SLC, UT, I was closing my shop when some guy came in with a gun and demanded all my money and Marlboro Reds!?!? I tried to keep him around as long as possible while pressing the emergency button. I called the police immediately after I got the guy’s license plate and they caught him not even 5 minutes later sitting in a car wash, idiot. The newspaper article was like “Taken To The Cleaners” lol. He was arrested and now faces many years in prison for multiple aggravated robberies.

——

Few things here.

1) That guy has to be the worst robber ever. Everyone knows when you rob a place it’s smash and grab. You need to be in and out and have it over with in one fell swoop like me having sex. He was worried about double bagging and then went shopping like it was back to school season. Pretty unbelievable the amount of time he spent walking down the aisles. If you’re going to do that, you should just Supermarket Sweep it and take everything you can. I never understood why they didn’t do that on Supermarket Sweep, like drag their arm across the aisles and fill up 10 carts. It was as if he was deciding what the best deal was on shit he was about to steal. Savvy burglar I suppose.

2) How about her police button thing not working? Hahaha, maybe that’s a thing that should work when you’re a chick working alone in some podunk shop late at night. And why is the button so far from the register? I mean that’s sort of irrelevant in a way because it didn’t even serve it’s one purpose, to fucking call the police when someone is pointing a gun at you. Which goes back to point 1, how bad of a robber do you have to be to not get away with it when even the emergency call the police button doesn’t work? I hate that guy. He had all the opportunity in the world to get all that money and cigs and he blew it.

3) That really was a top notch narration job by her. What’s she doing working at some little gas station looking shop? She should be reading books on tape or doing voiceovers for PBS or some shit. People like me and her have the gift of speaking, we shouldn’t be wasting it.

All in all, a terrible robbery by him and a good job by her. Why in the world he thought a 5 minute robbery was a good idea is beyond me, but even more ridiculous is he could have gotten away with it but diddle daddled his ass off. Rule 1 of robbing a store, don’t diddle daddle your ass off.