Heads On A Swivel Tennesseans! There Is Apparently A Goddamn Tiger Loose In Knoxville
FOX 17- Authorities are searching for a tiger that has been spotted in Knox County. The tiger was spotted by a Knox County Sheriff's deputy in the Forks of the River Industrial Park Wednesday night, according to the Knox County Sheriff's Office. There have been no other sightings at this time.
The sheriff's office patrol units, animal control, air watch, Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agengy, Knoxville Police Department's Animal Control Unit and Tiger Haven are all working to locate the animal.
Thoughts and prayers to the good people of Knox County that got to wake up, scroll through the recap of whatever bad news happened yesterday and the preview of whatever bad news is coming today to then find out there is a goddamn jungle cat on the loose in their city. I don't know much about tigers outside of what I've seen in movies and a Netflix series starring some of the biggest trashbags in human history. But I feel like tigers are nimble enough that they could surprise you by pouncing on your ass from a dark alley next to Starbucks despite being 10+ feet long, 400+ pounds, with teeth and claws that could rip you limb from limb in a second, which is the worst news Knoxville residents have dealt with once the whispers of Coach Duggs leaving started up a few months ago.
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Luckily the residents of Knox County elected the perfect man to handle this crisis.
I mean what's the point of electing an undead monster as the mayor of your city if you don't have him wrangle up the gigantic tiger on the loose in it? The roughly 8 zillion televised matches against The Undertaker should have prepared Kane perfectly for battling an oversized athletic force that could kill you in one swift shot. Plus anybody who has ever ventured into a Hell In A Cell and lived to tell about it don't scare too easily. God I wish I could get just one night's sleep as good as the people of Knox County have had the last few years knowing they have a mayor forged by fire and brimstone ready to take down the tough political issues and even tougher loose apex predators that may hit their city.