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A Man Takes His Family On A Weekend Getaway But Flees In Terror When The Airbnb Has "Satanic Items" and "Stuff For Witchcraft Rituals" All Over The Place

It took me an inordinate amount of time to figure out what the vibe was for this thread. I mean usually it's pretty easy, you know if you are laughing with or at someone.  But when author, #ForbesUnder30 Marketer, and political surrogate for people who won't have a lot of popularity around here I don't think Fredrick Joseph started Going Off King re: his weekend getaway and the AirBnB, it was a little ambiguous.  Was the guy being ridiculous? Like he said "satanic items" and stuff for "witchcraft rituals" and his very first photo is a dog fucking a blonde chick? If this is trending on Twitter we've gotta be shitting on him, he's freaking out about some sex and titties and, quite honestly, a murderer's row of books on the shelf?   

(Phillip K. Dick's basis for Blade Runner, Game of Thrones, a little James Baldwin? These are some well-read Satanists.)

Then I saw the rest of the house and I mean, yeah: the place is creepy as fuck. At the very least, "unsettling." Like it's not a Getaway House, we can agree on that right? Not with an 8 year old it's not. 

I saw Fred immediately start taking shrapnel when he misidentified the dead bird or the stuffed bird I don't know, the thread hit Backcountry Twitter or something and started an argument about birds that didn't hold my attention. Real or fake, dead or alive or stuffed or double stuffed: It's creepy, it's weird, if you have it you're weird. 

That's nothing compared to the absolute headshot that came next, when the Church of Satan replied.

"Speak of the devil and he doth appear"

Fred thought standing doggie style sex between woman and canine was his biggest problem until he got mollywhopped by the Church of Satan verified Twitter account, who didn't just say his facts were wrong but also snuck a little "grow up Peter Pan" in there for good measure. 

But you gotta at least let Fred tell his whole story. And when his next tweet showed off the listing — featuring a gigantic kitchen and a dope outdoor bathtub with 2 very nice bedrooms — contrasted with what we're seeing now such as doggie style sex between a woman and a canine figurine, that's a tough look for AirBnB not even discussing some money back. It's really just a basic case of false advertising when you take the devil out of it.

Rundown shacks, kind of a universally accepted sign of "not the best neighborhood." And when you lose your cell service that's….that's bad, I mean as an inconvenience and as an omen of a night featuring your untimely death due to some possibly satanic foul play. Like that's where the horror movie begins, at the moment the camera pans down to show the service bars disappear and the teenage girl complains about not being able to go Live.  In a nutshell: definitely bad vibes about an area looking like a movie set for the Hicksville Chainsaw Bloodbath.


Anyway let's just let the story play out, the tweets can speak for themselves.

(I literally said like 3 tweets in "this looks like that movie, H something, where the daughter gets bopped by the light pole and Toni Collete beheads herself with chicken wire and the son like becomes the devil in the treehouse with his grandma's naked corpse or whatever.) 

You guys can debate whether Fredrick is a "pussyyyy" as much as you want (honestly dude has probably never been happier to have an 8 year old with him he could pin this shit on). It was the mysterious bridge leading from the woods to the back door that did it for me, and also the fact that I am, in fact, a confirmed pussy. As for the refund, from a pure commerce standpoint it's pretty clear AirBnB is being a dickhead here.  Everyone knows they can be real tough guys when it comes to refunds and shit like that. If you want to rent out your litte freakshow house with your satan dolls and dead birds and fucking statuettes, go for it, list it. There's someone for everyone.  But in my humble opinion, you need to let the people coming into town know that you fuck around with withcraft before the money changes hands. They gotta be aware of that dead bird. At the very least that you have a dog fucking a woman from behind on the mantle.