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Ladies And Gentlemen, We Have Found It. The Absolute Worst Article Ever Written In Human History

Before we get started here, I need to see if I can expense a new laptop on the company card. Because upon seeing this headline for the first time, I became so irate that I took my laptop down with me to my local rink. I then placed my laptop into the top right corner, dumped out a bucket of pucks and unleashed clappers until it was nothing more than shards of screen and broken buttons. 

Get rid of the handshake line? Are you kidding me? How does the human brain even conceptualize a take so asinine? Getting rid of the handshake line in hockey would be like getting rid of oxygen in breathing. Can you get rid of oxygen? I'll answer that question for you--no you cannot. You would literally die. And that's what would happen if you took handshake lines away from the Stanley Cup Playoffs. It is legitimately serial killer behavior to not only have an issue with the handshake line, but to actively root for its removal of the game. 

Now if you want to read the full article, you can do so right here. But the general gist of the rationalization here is that the author thinks it's just too embarrassing for the players to have to stay on the ice after losing a series to shake their opponents' hands. 

I figured maybe The Onion had just rebranded to Global News or something. I mean the fact that these guys are on the verge of tears but still shake their opponent's hands is what makes it the greatest tradition in sports. If we wanted to have guys just run off to the locker room crying because they can't handle congratulating their opponent on a hard fought series, we'd just watch basketball. 

And yes, that's a self-own there about the Sixers constantly disappointing the everliving shit out of this city in the playoffs. But that's how much I care about the handshake line. I'm willing to shit on the Sixers just to reinforce the need for it in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. 

What if Gunnar Stahl never shook hands with Team USA/the Ducks? Think about how much of history you'd be erasing if you took this away from us. 

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Gunnar was clearly devastated by the loss. But he knew that he was bested and despite the loss, he respected Team USA too much to just skate off to the locker room and cry in the showers without shaking their hands first. That's what its all about. Heck, sometimes I'll even turn off the TV before the Stanley Cup is even awarded to the winning captain. As soon as the handshake line is over, that's it for me because that's all that really matters. Buncha classy beauties out there and I'll be damned if anybody ever takes that away from me. 

@JordieBarstool