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FAQ As A Barstool Employee

1. "Do You Know Dave?"

Shockingly enough, yes. The man who founded the company I now work for had a few minutes to meet me, even shake my hand (pre-COVID). Now, it's been well-documented that he did call me "Nick" upon our first time meeting so to answer the question I know Dave but perhaps he doesn't know me. Which is fine.

See also: What's he like in person?

Business. All business. What you see is what you get. No small talk (thank god). Let's get straight to the point and onto the next thing. Refreshing. (As if I'd say anything else about the man who signs my checks).

2. "Are Big Cat & PFT Cool?"

Very! You can't host the number one sports podcast in the world and not be cool. But that's the kicker - they have every right to tell pretty much everyone minus a couple people here and there to fuck off but they couldn't be any further from that. Besides that time I impersonated them (kinda). 

See also: "Is Billy Football really that dumb?"

I love Billy. He came to Indy during the summer. He failed to tell me he, his girlfriend, her friend, and their brand new puppy were all staying not only IN Indy but WITH me at my place. Other than that, does his name and the fact he bought a coop of chickens during quarantine not tell you all you need to know?

3. "Have You Seen PFT's Eyes?"

I probably have, but I can't remember. I think he has some sort of "Men In Black" situation where even if he talks the sunglasses off around you and you happen to catch a glimpse of them you immediately have your mind wiped upon seeing them once he puts them back on. Mystry sells. 

4. "What's Alex Cooper Like?"

Couldn't tell you. Never met her. Kind of scared to honestly. I feel like every hallway she walks down is the slow-mo scene from movies where the high school girl who sleeps with college guys and wears denim jackets while smoking a cig outside during her study hall hour is walking by and every guy just either doesn't know what to say or walks directly into a locker or some shit. Other than that I'm sure she's wonderful. 

See also: "What happened with Call Her Daddy?"

I try to stay out of the nitty gritty with that kind of stuff. All I know is Alex is still here and Boss Man popped a bottle of champagne while enjoying a "shatooterie" board because an odd looking fellow known as "suit man" got fired. 

5. "Can You Hook Me Up With Ellie Schnitt?"

No. 

6. "So Is The Barstool Thing A Full-Time Gig?"

Why yes, grandpa. Yes it is. Crazy right? They even pay me and everything! I know, I know. It's not the "traditional" job where I have to use big words like "strategize" or "streamline" or worry about "the client", but it is in fact how I pay the bills. 

7. "Can You Get Me An Internship?"

I get it. Why not shoot your shot, right? But I honestly can't, and really have no fuckin' clue how to which makes me feel badly because I too was once a college student dying for any opportunity I could get. I'd say keep an eye on the social channels for putting a call for resumes and portfolios. Besides that I know sliding in my DMs probably isn't going to get it done, unfortunately. 

8. "What's Wrong With Mantis?"

I know. Our boy doesn't necessarily "look right", but he's all there. No worries. He's a little bent, his jump shot while pure does look a little weird, but other than that he's good. It's a bummer for my guy that a lot of times when people ask me this they're lightly implying "is he mentally disabled", but I can promise you that's not it. It's just a bad case of BDS (Big Dick Syndrome). Ever heard of it?