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All Hail This Man Heroically Demanding Our Political Leaders Put an End to the Term 'Boneless Chicken Wings'

Look, I don't do a lot of political posts. Because in these troubled times, any discussion of any issue just further widens the gulf of an already fractured nation and alienates half the audience. 

But sometimes a fight comes along that can actually unite us, not further divide us. There are moments when we can all come together as one and be on the right side of history. And sometimes all it takes is one brave soul to speak his truth to power. To have the clarity of vision and the courage of his convictions and prove that right does indeed make might. 

Andrew Christensen of Lincoln, Nebraska is that man. (Source.) He took his fight to the halls of power, the Lincoln City Council, and he made perhaps the most compelling speech for change since Christ delivered the Sermon on the Mount. 

“Lincoln has the opportunity to be a social leader in this country," he intoned. "We have been casually ignoring a problem that has gotten so out of control that our children are throwing around names and words, without understanding their true meaning, and treating things as though they’re normal.

“I go into nice family restaurants and see people throwing this name around and pretending as though everything is just fine. I’m talking about boneless chicken wings."

And with that, like so many people of courage throughout history, he was interrupted by derisive laughter. Ridicule from the small-minded adherents of the status quo. As per usual. But rather than be deterred, the mockery just seemed to embolden him further. 

“I propose that we as a city remove the name boneless wings from our menus and from our hearts," he continued. "These are our reasons why: Number one, nothing about boneless chicken wings actually come from the wing of a chicken. We would be disgusted if a butcher was mislabeling their cuts of meats, but then we go around pretending as though the breast of a chicken is its wing?

“Number two, boneless chicken wings are just chicken tenders, which are already boneless,” Christensen went on. “I don’t go to order boneless tacos. I don’t go and order boneless club sandwiches. I don’t ask for boneless auto repair. It’s just what’s expected.”

“Number three, we need to raise our children better. Our children are being raised to be afraid of having bones attached to their meat. That’s where meat comes from, it grows on bones. We need to teach them that the wing of a chicken is from a chicken, and it’s delicious." 

And like a true leader of the people, he didn't merely stop at what we need to stop doing, he laid out his own vision for a better tomorrow. 

“I propose that we rename boneless wings in the city of Lincoln. We can call them Buffalo-style chicken tenders. We can call them wet tenders. We can call them saucy nugs, or trash. We can take these steps and show the country where we stand and that we understand we’ve been living a lie for far too long, and we know it in our bones.” 

Hear, hear.

Giphy Images.

Like I said, I don't like to get political. But when a cause comes along that it is this righteous, all of us must be bold enough to break out of our comfort zones and step into the arena. For too long, we've allowed our leaders to ignore this issue. They've been lying to us and our children. And we cannot let them continue to lie to our children's children.

This is one of those moments in history where you have to take the chance of antagonizing part of your audience. Yes, people on the left and right all buy t-shirts. But people who are comfortable with calling simple tenders "boneless wings" probably don't because they are stupid.  So we need to stop it now. The whole world is watching. And the change we need is coming from Lincoln, NE. 

Andrew Christensen for President, 2020. 

P.S. This is the best speech given before a city council since Patton Oswalt's totally improvised "Star Wars" filibuster on "Parks and Recreation."