Surviving Barstool | Ep. 4 Premieres Monday (12/4) at 8PM ETWATCH EP. 1-3 NOW

Carole Baskin Is On This Season Of Dancing With The Stars And The Simulation We Call "Life" Is Officially Broken

Giphy Images.

Variety- “Dancing With the Stars” has revealed its full lineup for the 2020 season, featuring contestants such as Carole Baskin of “Tiger King” fame, rapper Nelly, “One Day at a Time” star Justina Machado and more.

Announced on Wednesday, the rest of the lineup includes “Backstreet Boys” member AJ McLean, Netflix’s “Cheer” head coach Monica Aldama, “Bachelorette” star Kaitlyn Bristowe, Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir, Super Bowl champion Vernon Davis, Disney Channel star Skai Jackson, “Catfish” host Nev Schulman, NBA player Charles Oakley, actress Anne Heche, “The Real” host Jeannie Mai, and “Selling Sunset” real estate agent Chrishell Stause.

When I saw this story, I had to check the calendar twice to make sure it wasn't April 1st, which was a real possibility considering every day for ohhhh the last 6 months has vanished in the blink of an eye. However when I saw the year on the calendar, I realized that Variety wasn't pulling some sort of April Fool's or September Fool's joke because nothing makes sense in 2020 which means everything makes sense in 2020. Only in this virtual hellscape we currently reside in could someone who has the same Internet Approval Rating as Madden 21 because she may or may not have murdered her ex-husband and definitely seems like as bad a human as she is pet owner land a role on a super popular TV show when everyone is stuck in quarantine. 

Forget about missing his 15 minutes of fame while in the clink or his beloved zoo closing for good. Carole fucking Baskin making Dancing With The Stars instead of him may be the thing that officially crushes Joe Exotic's soul since he was the ultimate showman who would have dreamt to be on the ultimate landing place for C-List or worse celebrities that sometimes double as real life garbage people.

Giphy Images.
Giphy Images.

So as the old saying goes, throw this year in rice, boil the rice, and then feed it to a malnourished tiger being improperly treated by some of the shitty people on Tiger King that actually make the world take PETA's side for once. After that jungle cat shits out the rice, flush it down the toilet then smash the shit out of the Reset button on the router and restart this simulation somewhere back in the early 2000s when life was somewhere between 100-200 times better, which is oddly when when fellow contestants Nelly and AJ McLean were churning out the glorious music of that era.

P.S. As shocking as it was to see his name on that list, I gotta pick my guy Oak to win this season of DWTS. He may have been an enforcer on the basketball court but he is cultured as fuck off of it, as evidenced by many of the fine gourmet meals he has put together.

Anybody that tried to murder James Dolan with their bare hands, let alone was my favorite basketball player growing up, has my vote in a reality competition show.

h/t Monty