Your Fantasy Football Draft Party In 20 Years
Fantasy football has become a staple in America as much as eating hot dogs on 4th of July or bitching at people you've never met online.
What started as "fantasy" meaning "fake" or "not real" has evolved to "fantasy" meaning "a dream". An excuse to get together with your buddies all together at least once a year for football, drinking, and middle-aged shenanigans like throwing someone's kid in the pool or breaking your buddy's folding chair because you're 30 pounds overweight.
Then that's followed by a fall of shit talking like you're back at the high school cafeteria table as well as having a deep non-personal connection at all to 12 professional football players who are younger than your oldest son.
Loads of fun had by all. A dream.
There seems to be the same basic kind of dudes at each one of these drafts, so here's what you can expect 20 years from now when you sit down for the annual fantasy draft.
The Commish: He makes the rules and damn it he's not slow to remind you that "everything goes through him". On the night of the draft he makes the room refer to his literally as "Commish". He picks and chooses what trades to give the OK to based on who pissed him off that week and sometimes even less than that just to stir the pot in the group text. Traditionally this is the guy who was picked on the most in high school and now he has risen to the top of this glorious league and he holds the power.
The Family Man: Got married before anyone else and almost 30 years and multiple divorces within the group later he is one of the few still standing with his first bride. She usually shows up to the draft, but everyone has known her so long that they don't really mind. She's almost one of the guys. For the majority of the time he had young kids while everyone else didn't so he'd have to leave the first 12 years of the draft early to get home to the kiddos. This would be met with "Man what the hell are you doing?" by the group who would stay up drinking for the rest of the night, but again after multiple divorces among the group, The Family Man is asking them "what the hell are YOU doing?"
The Guy Who Really Let Himself Go: This guy was the stud in high school. Just naturally jacked without even having to lift really. Got any girl and then some. For the first 10 years of the draft you were kind of afraid to bring a new chick along with you because you never knew if this guy's magical ways would swoop in and take her away. But father time is undefeated of course, and after his wife pops out a few kids every year he shows up a little bit heavier until one day you're showing your kids the group photo and their mom says "Yeah _ used to be very handsome" which is met by great shock because of how he looks now.
The Little Brother: One year someone had to drop out because of money or the lady they were seeing didn't think it was "necessary" for grown men to "play fantasy games" so inevitably someone says "hey my brother would like to join." At first it's met with a little hesitancy because everyone remembers him as the little putz they wanted to shove into a locker, but finally they agree it's better than having the guy from accounting who won't stop talking to you about trying to get into a fantasy league fill in. Next thing you know it's year 20 and the little brother has been a part of it for longer than he hasn't.
The Happily Divorced Guy: Some divorces are messy. Some are a clean split agreement to move on to a better life. That's this guy. Married for 20 years or so then finally one day they said "hey - this just isn't working, wanna separate?" And they do! Now he's a "free man" and he loves to tell you about it. The Bachelor? Doesn't even know what it is. American Idol? No clue it was still on TV. Strictly NFL Network and Family Guy while he eats a slab of meat that he smoked on his brand new smoker following the divorce. He is living, and other guys would be lying if they said they weren't a little jealous.
The Guy Who Studied A Little Too Much: Everyone hates this guy because of how annoying he is. It's odd because he'll tell you how much he studied and which guy is going to "breakout" this year, but very rarely does it come true. "This 6th round pick is getting value in the 4th round he's gonna be a stud man I'm telling you." It almost becomes a thing of whatever this guy is soooo sure about - do the opposite. To no one's surprise, he's also divorced.
The Guy People Still Aren't Sure Why He's In The League: The league has been going on so long that the family's - even the kids - are really familiar with everyone. Except one guy. He didn't go to school with anyone in the league. Was he a neighbor? A coworker? It's been so long that everyone forgets but hey, he's there every year, keeps his mouth relatively shut, and fills the need for 12.
The Random Old Guy: It started as a joke following the release of the 2003 smash comedy hit "Old School" when everyone of course fell in love with Blue. "We gotta get us a Blue" The Commish says to the future Divorced Guy. The Commish does some searching, and luckily enough, the grouchy old man that lives two houses down and walks around the neighborhood every night could use a hobby. He joined, and always gets a laugh out of calling the little brother a "pussy" and giving the guy who studied too much a hard time for being "number crunching calculator bitch".
I hope everyone had a great time with their draft this year, and maybe one day far from now you'll look back at this and realize you, are in fact, one of these guys.