Dente Just Called Everyone At Barstool Chicago Fat

I have a few different beefs with this video, no pun intended to one of Chicago's best delicacies. I'll make it short and sweet:

1. Not speaking for the other guys, but I'm a genetic freak of nature and all-world athlete. Examples:

- 91

- I set a Chicago Marathon record by completing it in 5:25

- I can do pushups for days on end

- and I recently beat my new coworker and NFL Hall of Famer Deion Sanders in a 40 yard dash

Now have I put on a few extra LBs over the course of this godforsaken pandemic? Sure. But everyone has. I have an incredible metabolism too though, so once I get back into the swing of things I'll look like Adonis again. Your girl will slip in a puddle of her own wetness just at the sight of my beautiful face. The face that cashes fucking CHECKS. 

Look at this mug. Scrumptious 

2. Dente is banned from Chicago for giving Gene and Jude's a lackluster review:

Rules are rules. Dente is NOT allowed back within city limits. In fact, Tony Da Mimbo banned Dente from all of Illinois after I flew to NYC and immediately got sent home:

Now do we believe that we at Barstool Chicago are going to turn gaming on its head? Yes. Yes we do. But a LOT has to change first, starting with ol' Eric Clapton Dominos head looking ass formally and publicly apologizing for giving Gene and Jude's a 5.