Dente Just Called Everyone At Barstool Chicago Fat

I have a few different beefs with this video, no pun intended to one of Chicago's best delicacies. I'll make it short and sweet:

1. Not speaking for the other guys, but I'm a genetic freak of nature and all-world athlete. Examples:

- 91

- I set a Chicago Marathon record by completing it in 5:25

- I can do pushups for days on end

- and I recently beat my new coworker and NFL Hall of Famer Deion Sanders in a 40 yard dash

Now have I put on a few extra LBs over the course of this godforsaken pandemic? Sure. But everyone has. I have an incredible metabolism too though, so once I get back into the swing of things I'll look like Adonis again. Your girl will slip in a puddle of her own wetness just at the sight of my beautiful face. The face that cashes fucking CHECKS. 

Look at this mug. Scrumptious 

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2. Dente is banned from Chicago for giving Gene and Jude's a lackluster review:

Rules are rules. Dente is NOT allowed back within city limits. In fact, Tony Da Mimbo banned Dente from all of Illinois after I flew to NYC and immediately got sent home:

Now do we believe that we at Barstool Chicago are going to turn gaming on its head? Yes. Yes we do. But a LOT has to change first, starting with ol' Eric Clapton Dominos head looking ass formally and publicly apologizing for giving Gene and Jude's a 5.