Legally I Can’t Say This Dude Might Be Serial Killer So I Won’t Say It

Before we begin, the fish in the thumbnail is absolutely the product of a genetic mutation right? Fish don’t look like that. Is that fish the smartest aquatic-dwelling creature of all time? It’s gotta be close. The only other smarter aquatic animal I can think of that might be smarter is that dolphin from the Flipper series which aired from 1964 to 1967 and became a cultural phenomenon. The series follows a Bottlenose Dolphin named Flipper who is the wild pet of Porter Ricks, a park warden, and his sons Sandy (15) and Bud (10). Flipper lives in a lagoon near the Ricks cottage at Coral Key Park and Marine Preserve. With the Ricks family, Flipper helps protect the park and preserve and its wild inhabitants. He is also instrumental in apprehending criminals and ne’er dowels. Shocking that it was only on tv for 3 years. Well, shocking and disappointing tbh.

That being said, I’ve been around the internet for a long time. I know how viewing videos goes. You click on it, scan some, listen to 35 seconds or less and then you’re on to the next.

Don’t do that here. Watch it. Why? Well, if you’re a fan of Mindhunter and other murdery shows, you will appreciate a look into the mind of what a behavioralist might consider “grossly depraved” or “socially maladjusted”. Might. Again, I’m not an expect in libel so this is all hypothetical.

Off we go. As we begin our unsettling journey, there’s no insight as to why this sweet potato lovin fella wants to filter his incredibly meticulous aqua land with a tuber varietal. He just starts the video with an empty table, spa sounds, and an eerie camera angle. At first, the cinematography is fine. As the video develops, so do the thoughts of sheer horror.

Watch part 2.

Just a guy adding a dried almond leaf to his fish tank. No biggie. Did you notice something when he was clipping the roots of the sweet potato? I did. The sound of the shears snapping together sent chills down my spine. Alliteration city. The precise cutting of the tube, the gluing, again with the music. Something isn’t right here.

If this fella just loves fish with huge brains, fine. I don’t think that’s it, though. After watching, a reasonable and prudent person would have to believe that there’s some literal -or figuratively for those attorneys at home- skeletons in the closet that are tucked tightly and tidily away in order to make room for the sack of potatoes from which his fish receive its nutrients. 

Video 3.

Christ on a cracker.

He makes 3 videos after that one all getting more and more into the character and descriptors of this freakylooking fish that he named Kartoffel which I find to be extremely fucked up.

Anyway, his channel also has spinach tanks, cat grass tanks, berry tanks and on and on. Watch them all. Just don’t do it at night because your mind will drift away thinking about the tank he’ll eventually make with your taint.

LEAVE MY PRECIOUS TAINT ALONE, DAMN YOU!