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I Need This Vending Machine

Having a vending machine dispense alcohol is no new concept so don’t confuse this with some virgin meatball take. Obviously we’ve all seen and danced with a big ugly dropping 12 ounce bombs at some kind of fraternity after hours or the bro pad. Someone’s uncle in liquor distribution sales already repurposed one for the graduation party. Shit like that’s as old as the vending machine game itself. Of course I want one.

But this VM is different in its experience. In its utility. The fact you can get a Kirkland brand grape alongside a GTLF. That there’s several missing labels and a remarkable ability to stay powered despite what appears to be years IF NOT DECADES of outdoor neglect. This is a Vending Machine that announces its presence with authority in the same way Craig Biggio’s helmet said he was a gritty guy who would go spikes up. This is my Craig Biggio helmet and I want it.

On that note you have to be slugging so many cold ones to operate a vending machine in your backyard. That thing would be calling my name nonstop. Like the annual gym membership you renew but never use except the complete opposite because it’s fucking awesome and you use it all the time. That’s how I rationalize this commitment and if you got a fucking problem with that then we weren’t meant to be friends in the first place.