Joe Montana Told PMT Rudy Ruttiger was Just Being Punked by Teammates and My Whole Worldview is Shattered

Joe Montana. Joe fricking Montana. Joe Cool. Just going around dedicating his life to shattering everything that is important in mine. He's the aging Boomer equivalent of the older brother who shows you where your Christmas presents are hidden and makes sure you know the clown at your 5th birthday party is just a pathetic loner with a drinking problem. 

I don't ask for much in this sad and pointless existence. I just want something to believe in. It doesn't even have to be real. It can be a fiction. Hell, it's human nature to believe in the power of myths. From the Ancient Greeks to the Groundlings at Shakespeare's plays to Trekkies to virgins on college Quidditch teams, plenty of people down through the ages have taken comfort in fantasies to help them cope with harsh reality. Escapism is no sin. I just don't need to be reminded all the time that one of my culture's most enduring myths is a fraud. 

Advertisement

But Montana has made it his mission in life to do just that. His appearance on Pardon My Take is just the latest. Before that there was this time on Dan Patrick, who then made Sean Astin answer for his crimes:

I don't need this, Joe. Not from anyone. And least of all from one of the faces on the Mount Rushmore of Fighting Irish football, especially. My country has failed me. My church. My schools. Just about every cultural institution we have. Is it too much to ask that I believe in the Rudy Ruettiger mythos? The instructive, moral story he taught us that if you work hard enough and believe in yourself and never give up, you can achieve your dreams? Does that have to be disproven just to serve some objective "truth"? Then why did I go to that game against Army all those years ago, pray at the Grotto, walk in and say "This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen" and "I've been ready for this my whole life!" and "He's so LITTLE!!!" and all that? Are you telling me I was walking in the footsteps of a lie? Because I don't want to hear it. 

THIS is my Rudy:

And Joe is giving me this one:

Advertisement

So you can keep that shit to yourself from now on, Montana. From now on I reject your reality and substitute my own. My dad always says that having dreams is what makes life tolerable. Who's the wildman now?