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I Love This Reporter Who Is So Confident He Could Step Up To The Plate And "Luck into a home run"



I love this tweet that was making waves across the interwebs last night. Eliot Shorr-Parks, an Eagles reporter at WIP, was apparently watching hockey and had a though: "fuck, hockey looks hard". Pretty solid thought if you ask me. Hockey *is* hard. So he started crafting a tweet about just how hard hockey is, by comparing it to other sports. 

It starts off interestingly enough. "I could maybe score a touchdown". Like, ok, let's see where this tweet is heading. Interesting way to start a tweet, for sure. Maybe if the ball is on the 1 inch line and you have a fullback in front of you, sure, maybe you could sure a touchdown, I'll give you that.

Then, as if it was a completely non-insane thing to say, he tosses in "I could luck into a home run".

YOU COULD WHAT????????????????


The thing is, he put that mid-tweet as if nobody would ever think otherwise. He put that in there to set up his punchline as if that wasn't the crazy part of the tweet. Who in the world is lucking into a home run???

Now, the way the tweet is set up, I would assume he meant live game, off major league pitching. I would put that at a 0.0% possibility. He ain't getting up in the 3rd inning vs major league pitching and making contact, nevermind going yard.

I've thought a ton about this. Let's say he is transported into an episode of Black Mirror and the only way he could get out is if he hits an in-game home run in an MLB game. He, in his current form, plays every single day for a team and only gets back to his current life once he goes yard.

He would need the perfect scenario where he gets up to bat in the 9th inning while his team is up 22-0 and a position player comes in and lobs the ball to him at the exact right speed and he makes the perfect contact with it. Then maybe, just maybe, he can luck into this home run. We're talking thousands upon thousands of simulations. It's definitely not impossible- he'd be able to work with a hitting coach and strength coach and get better at baseball.

So if Eliot had taken an edible before sending that tweet and was higher than alien pussy thinking about the string theory, then yes, he was correct in his tweet. If he was not thinking about simulations, then he's just the world's most confident human. Weird Haircut Seth has nothing on him.

"I could probably get two points in an NBA game" gets completely overlooked because of the home run statement. Is Eliot the most in shape reporter of all time? Maybe that's what I'm missing. If he played D-1 ball I apologize. 

I can't even wrap my brain around how confident Eliot is in himself. I respect it so much. I don't have the confidence to leave the house without a hat on and he's nonchalantly claiming to be a world class athlete in 3 different sports. Imagine this guy at a bar, oops, he already took your girl and you aren't even in the bar yet.

He can also fly a rocketship to Mars, fuck like a pornstar, talk to animals like Dr. Doolittle, and understands how to do his taxes. But shout out to him for being modest, stating he in fact could not score an NHL goal. Humble.