For one to truly reach their full potential, they must have a relentless trainer who pushes them to their limits. The Karate Kid had Mr. Miyagi. Batman had Ra's al Ghul. Goku had Master Roshi. Unfortunately, I have never been blessed to have a mysterious, wise and knowledgable mentor bestowed upon me, so I find myself needing to look elsewhere.
Let me rewind for a quick second to build a bit of a foundation here. You're probably thinking, why the heck would this guy need a mentor? He's thriving, he's handsome, he's masculine and he's hilarious. This I am all very aware of. But, now that I am a few months into my tenure at this here company, I have found myself beaten, bloody and bruised by the droves of haters present on the internet.
The only logical next step is to find a mentor who can beat me down and make me tougher. Mission get thicker skin was officially underway. I ran through the idea of all typical mentors, but none of them really clicked. My dad? Loves me too much. An old teacher? Anyone who keeps in close contact with old teachers is a weirdo. A superior, boss or Barstool veteran here at work? Gaz does consistently bully me on Twitter, but there isn't quite enough hate behind his words to really get the job done.
Then, it clicked. A place where filters don't exist. Where hatred is not frowned, but rather smiled, upon. Where the scum of the earth instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. The Reddit roast me section.
The next steps were simple. A quick picture of myself looking ugly, essentially any picture would do there. Writing out a sign with my username and r/roastme and click submit and my training was underway.
Almost immediately, within seconds, the zingers started flowing in. Here is a rundown of some of my favorites.
So, you're probably wondering did it work? Is my skin magically thicker now? Am I feeling refreshed and rejuvenated for another three months? I'll definitely let you all know after I stop crying, a quick therapy session and long call with my mom. Think they missed anything? Sound off in the comments to let me know!
BONUS ROUND: More roasts came in overnight that felt worth including. Here they are.
Thanks for playing!