Barstool’s Makin’-Ya-Rich Weekend Soccer Guide

Sam's Army5/01/2015 8:13 PM

Sam’s Weekend Soccer Guide

Sup haters,

I thought about taking this weekend off because (1) I’m too rich for this shit after the 10 days of win after win after win and (2) The Oaks is on the tele so I need to concentrate on which pony to lose all my hard-earned money on… buttttttt then I remembered how happy that would make most of the picture-reading contingent a little too joyful so that wasn’t an option.

For the record, I can’t wait to see the comments on this blog. Why? Well, because before we get to this weekend’s action, anybody who happened to be on twitter the past few days now knows that every woman in America has a secret obsession with guys who have “dadbods”. Yeah, yeah, I hadn’t ever heard the term before either but, like me, I’m sure you can put two and two together to figure out what I’m talking about. For those of you who still can’t, do me a favor and refrain from procreating but here’s a good example:

From the slightly more evolved, “hairless” phylum

Anyway, all the chatter about dadbods got me thinking… obviously there aren’t a ton of dadbods running around on a (professional) soccer field. This ain’t baseball (may it rest in peace) or football, where it behoves some players to have as many chins as possible:

On the contrary, MOST professional soccer players are the lean, muscular, mesomorphic types that probably slept with your wife and/or girlfriend in college (whether you know it or not) – most, but not all. So with that in mind, here is the starting XI of the top dadbods to compete [recently] on the professional soccer field…

[“Oh, ewww, I’m not comfortable enough with my own sexuality to see some dudes without shirts on!”

K, fine, skip to the next section… and maybe think about seeing a therapist about your repressed inner demons.]

DADBOD STARTING XI

No list of soccer players who’ve gotten soft around the midsection would be complete without a bunch of Brazilians. There’s something about dudes from the land of jogo bonito, probably some special gene, where they can “bulk up” but still play good soccer. And yes, a couple guys are playing out of position. So what? Everyone knows that if you’re playing fat then you got no choice but to play smart, and if you’re playing smart then learning a new position should be no big deal.

GOALIE

Jeroen Verhoeven: a dark horse winner came out of nowhere to steal this one away from Tony Meola, whose playing days were anyway a little too long ago to make the cut, Verhoeven has the definition of a definition-less dadbod. For what it’s worth, dude still plays in the Dutch league for Utrecht.

DEFENSE

Sol Campbell: Arsenal great never saw a challenge he couldn’t win or fish-n-chips he couldn’t house.

Andrei Arshevin: Oops, another Gunner… ol’ boy was supposed to be the second coming of the Russian Messiah when Arsenal bought him for all the vodka. #NoCarbSummer — ever heard of it? Apparently not.

Anderson: ex-United player went with only one name to save room for dessert.

I can haz cheezburger?

MIDFIELD

Adel Taarabt: Got fat-shamed in the press by then-manager ‘Arry Redknapp. For reals.

Cesc Fabregas: Huh, what do you know, another guy with Arsenal links. And yes, many of you are going to argue “He doesn’t have a dadbod!” Yes, this is technically true, Cesc isn’t quite there – yet. But he gets more bird-chested with every passing day, which everybody knows is just his abdomen’s way of preparing for his post-retirement ballooning.

Cuauhtemoc Blanco: Perhaps the ultimate dadbod soccer player, Blanco was a one-time Chicago Fire star who later in his career felt right at home never leaving the center circle and sending beautiful throughballs to teammates. Total dadbod move.

Ronaldinho: Ronaldinho is the consummate skinny fat guy who, at one point not too long ago, was the best player in all the world. Unfortunately those teeth were made for eating.

FORWARDS

Adriano: If you couldn’t tell we are balls-deep in the Brazilian section of this list, and honestly it’s hard to blame Adriano – who played much of his pro career in Italy – for eating a little too much pasta.

Ronaldo: I meeeean, you all knew it was coming. He always was a trendsetter, making buck teeth hot for a minute then somehow pulling off the mons pubis-above-my-forehead thing throughout an entire World Cup.

But more than that, Ronaldo is the poster child for dadbod soccer players, and for that he should be saluted.

MANAGER

Maradona: Tough to mention dadbod soccer players and not throw the first-coming-of-Messi a bone. He was always on the verge of husky as a player, but as soon as his coke-fuelled playing days were over his natural metabolism took over and, welp, mother nature can be a real bitch sometimes.

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Phew. Longest intro ever. Now let’s get to it…

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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Quick reminder of last weekend’s results:

Rather than go through the games one by one I figured I would do you a little favor and put little red boxes around the ones you could have gotten rich on (thanks Sam!) and blue boxes around the other one.

Speaking of Burnley and Lester, here’s a little glimpse of (a) how cruel the soccer gods can be and (b) what may turn out to be the costliest 60 seconds in soccer history (maybe — assuming the points are the difference between survival and relegation for wee Burnley):

Derp… followed by:

DOUBLE DERP.

So basically Burnley took two swift kicks directly to the dick and got its bank account emptied all in a minute. Sucks to suck, bruh.

After last weekend’s games the EPL table looks like this:

While the weekend’s games include the following:

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PICKS OF THE WEEK

Tottenham (+265)
City (-105)
Draw (+275)

Best game of the weekend as far as top of the table teams go, Tottenham is “fighting” for a spot in Europa while City has more or less sewn up its Champions League spot. Spurs come in following a comeback draw at Southampton that is probably a little more impressive than it sounds, while City did not look anywhere near dominant in sneaking by Villa. This feels like a total homer pick and feel free to accuse me of that if you must, but I think Spurs at home (with Hugo Lloris!… for a couple more games) will have enough to get by an emotionally depleted – but still dangerous – City squad. Spurs to win 2-1.

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Hull (+425)
Arsenal (-155)
Draw (+285)

Hull has looked like a real, live, actual, serious soccer club for the last few weeks, and good for them. Unfortunately Arsenal is too fast, too strong, and I want them to lose too badly for them to do so. Sorry Hull, Arsenal to win 3-1. [Extra Special “Cause I Respect You” pick: Hull manage to finagle two goals at home against Chelsea (albeit in a losing effort) so the thought that Arsenal’s defense is going to keep them off the board entirely strikes me as far-fetched… thus, both teams to score (-120) should be money in the bank — you’re welcome.]

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Bonus picks: Everybody is down on Liverpool (-275), and rightly so given their woeful performances lately, and compound that with a QPR (+750) that is desperate for points to avoid relegation and this is definitely a dicey one for the Reds. I personally think that Brendan Rodgers deserves another year at the helm, but to have a chance of that he needs to start winning some games. Balotelli thankfully injured his foot on his lone touch in the second half against Hull, which should put Ibe, Coutinho and Sterling up top in a formation that I actually like. Liverpool to win 3-1. Southampton (+-105) is hanging around in hopes of nicking a Europa League spot and three points away at Sunderland (+300) would be necessary (but not sufficient) for it to do so. Unfortunately the Black Cats come in hungry and mindful of the 8-0 – EIGHT TO NOTHING — ass-whooping they took in the clubs’ first matchup this year. Gimme Sunderland to win 1-0.

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REST OF EUROPE

La Liga: HUGE match in Spain as 2nd-place Real Madrid visit 5th-place Sevilla (2pm ET on beIN Sports) in a game that will put one club – or both – in a tough spot to win the league and make Champions League, respectively.

Bundesliga: Bayern has the already won the league so the questions now are who will fill finish where in the table (and secure the various sports in next year’s Champions and Europa League), but the champions-elect are visiting 4th-place Bayer Leverkusen on Saturday (12:30pm ET on golTV)

Serie A: Much like Chelsea in England, Juventus can sew up the Scudetto when they travel to 5th-place Sampdoria on Saturday (12pm ET on beIN Sports).

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MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER

Alright, I know that Montreal was playing in the CCL but still, having one team that has played four games so far this season and others that have played NINE… just feels wrong. Really couldn’t find a time to play a midweek game or two at some point in there? Really??

Regardless, the table is starting to take shape and there are some familiar names near the top in both divisions, and particularly the East where NE Revs, DC United and NY Red Bulls hold spots #1 through #3. In the West, Vancouver and Dallas have managed to hang on to the top two places for the time being, in part thanks to having played more games than Seattle who are close on their heels followed by LA Galaxy, the defending champs.

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Chicago Soccer Watch

As a resident of the Windy City, I can’t help but feel it’s my duty to keep my fellow locals apprised of what’s on deck here in our own backyard. This weekend’s games include:

– Chicago Fire travel to Kansas City on Sunday (6ET/5CTpm on ESPN2)

– Chicago Red Stars host Sky Blue FC (Saturday, 6ET/5CTpm at Benedictine University)