Breaking news from MLB and I'm here to rebreak more news. Yes Joe Kelly has been formally suspended 8 games but also YES I'm reinstating him as our collective fan favorite pitcher in baseball for those next 8 games. I'm reinstating him as the biggest swinging dick in any bullpen for the time being. And he'll get full credit from all of us throughout the process for being the sacrificial lamb but not really because he's the one throwing 99 at people's heads. You get what I mean. He's giving up his playing time and paycheck to remind the Astros and the world in general that you can go fuck yourself if you want to cheat on Joe Kelly's time. Like I know Jesus died for our sins and this isn't comparable but at the same time I see some similarities. Maybe he's here to spread a greater message that you don't have to be a chickenshit rat motherfucker to get some success in life, Carlos.
So let this be formal notice. MLB can suspend Joe Kelly all they want but you can't suspend our unbridled love and respect for the balls he drags to the mound night in and night out. He may be a crazy asshole but he's 29 different teams' crazy asshole right now and that's more than any player in MLB history can speak for.
As such, I'm using the powers fully vested in me as a guy who dropped out of law school (twice) about 15 credit hours short of graduation to declare a Motion To Reinstate.
We will now vote on my motion.
All in favor.
All opposed. Motion granted. Joe Kelly's 8 game ban has been lifted.