A lot of things exist in this world without any of us having a say. A lot of shit we were just born into. That's not an excuse to sit idly by and allow mistakes to continue in perpetuity. Sometimes you have to take a stand, speak out against the wrongs of society. Today is one of those days for me. Get your fucking pickles off my burger. Why, oh why, do I have to ask for no pickles? A request which is oft ignored leaving me to pick them off myself like some sort of peasant. Plus, there's no way to fully exterminate a pickle once it has already been placed on your burger. The second those green crinkle discs hit they leave their mark. Those juices infiltrate the cheese and bread as a big ol' fuck you. And it's not just pickles: tomatoes are an even bigger offender here. Giant, wet, cold frisbees which completely clash with the very core of what a burger stands for. Did we lose a war of some sort? Was there a decree that all burgers must come standard with brine infused cucumbers for all of eternity? It's dogshit. It's unAmerican to force people to have to deal with this tyranny.
If you like pickles on your burger, that's great for you. That's what's beautiful about this great land of ours. You can put whatever you want in between those buns. Even those buns leave room for customization. I've no qualms with adding jalapeños, onions, peanut butter, chili, a selection from the wide spectrum of cheeses, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, whatever the fuck you want to your beef and bread. But that's all that should be standard: beef (or turkey or bison or etc.) and bread (or pretzel or lettuce or etc.). That feels correct. You want cheddar? Have at it. You want a western omelette atop your lean ground beef? That's why we fight so hard for these freedom and liberties to begin with. You want to force me to have to ask to remove pickles and then disrespect me further by not honoring my request? This is why we should bring duels back. You think a motherfucker would DARE forget to remove my pickle if he or she knew the threat of pistols at dawn was still on the table? For sure not. But since I don't anticipate duels coming back into fashion, I feel a fair compromise is reinventing the standard burger. You order a burger you've gotta add your fixings. No more subtractions, only additions in this brave, new, improved America. You're welcome.