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The Astros Wont Make It To August If This Is The Type Of Abuse They're Going To Endure

I sincerely hope no children were watching when this went down. I'm talking years of therapy, nights filled with terror, flashbacks to these scenes more gruesome than the beaches of Normandy. First Jorge "The Executioner" Lopez throws a flame thrower right at Jose Altuve's throat*. The early reports out of the Astros medical team is that he's been placed in an iron lung. Then, the very next batter, Jorge "John Wick" Lopez takes out a bazooka and blasts Alex Bregman straight off the planet Earth** leaving only his cleats in the box as a reminder to the rest of the Astros that their days are numbered. If I were Carlos Correa I don't know if I could sleep a wink tonight knowing that the rest of the league acquired their Astro Hunting licenses and cannot wait to start skinning their carcasses in broad daylight. The only question is whether or not Rob Manfred will step in and put a cease to this carnage before it's too late. #PrayForTheAstros

*Altuve swung it probably should have been a strike

**Pitch didn't even hit Bregman in the slightest it might MIGHT have grazed whatever fabric of his jersey wasn't fully tucked in