Colorado Squirrel Tests Positive For the BUBONIC FUCKING PLAGUE

This is outrageous on so many levels. How in the world does a cute and cuddly Colorado squirrel end up getting the ole Black Plague? I mean, happening in Mongolia or Siberia makes sense. When I think Siberian diseases, literally anything goes. Siberia is a breeding ground for weird shit. Permafrost is getting thawed everyday and who knows what’s under there. Scientists. That’s who. Scientists know that all kinds of bad stuff is under that “permanently frosted” area. More like LongtimeAFrost if you ask me. Wooly Mammoths and whathaveyou just floating to the top soil with their wooly hairs infested with so many lice that it would make my family blush and scratch our heads in disbelief. (We’ve all had lice. Normalize it. They like CLEAN HAIR)

Anyway, stay away from the Colorado squirrels. God. That was painful to write. I used to love those fluffy fucks but now the cost of the risk, like the rent, is too damn high.