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Is The Pizza Throw An Effective Defense Strategy? Pizza Shop Owner Scares Off Machete Wielding Thief By Hitting Him With Pizza

Being a business owner must honestly suck. Like yeah, I guess it's somewhat cool to be your own boss but that honestly doesn't even matter. You could the CEO of sitting on the couch if you really wanted to. Way less stress.

Giphy Images.


There's just waayyy too much dirty laundry that comes with owning a business. Paying employees, choosing managers, dealing with in-house drama, making sure the place will succeed, the list is literally endless. Call me crazy but I'd almost prefer to just be an underling for the rest of my life. Ownership is far too much responsibility for my liking. 


A crook looking for some dough got served up something else when trying to hold up a pizza shop in Delaware on Friday.


The owner told troopers that while he was closing his business for the night, a man with a machete approached him and demanded money.

Did I forget to mention the fact that a machete-wielding thief could be on the prowl as well? Well, that's somewhat important. While I understand that not every business is gonna find themselves in a standoff with a complete psychopath, it certainly appears to be a bit of an issue. Maybe it just comes with the territory and everyone knows what they're signing up for. 

How are you even supposed to deal with such a situation? I, for one, would crumple like a piece of college-ruled paper if another human attempted a robbery on me. In any capacity, I'm the biggest sucker alive. The good ole fashion finger-in-the-pocket-to-look-like-a-weapon routine would have me in a literal box. Especially if that machete is just out and about. He can just have the restaurant for all I care. Call it whatever you'd like, I'm just simply trying to live and I know that one fell swoop of that machete would be curtains for ole OMTE. Whats a couple of bucks anyway?

Delaware State Police said they are searching for a man who attempted to rob Stargate Pizza in Sussex County, and only fled after the owner flung pizza at him.

"The store owner advised the suspect that he did not have any money and threw a pizza at him, causing the suspect to flee," state police said.

The suspect then ran from the scene and got into a vehicle, driving off northbound on Sussex Highway.

Or I guess you could, ya know, NOT be a giant pussy about the whole thing and just throw a pizza at him. That always works. Nobody expects the old fashioned pizza throw these days, much less by someone who is face-to-face with fuckin Jason Vorhees. 

Realistically, who could've possibly guessed that this heroic huck of some bread with sauce and cheese on it would thwart this villain? Certainly not me. My money would've been on this robber pulling a Micheal Myers, just absorbing the blow and keeps chugging along. Thankfully that wasn't the case here. 

Could it be that this man's lactose intolerance kicked in at the right time? Was the pizza scolding hot upon hitting him directly in the face, leaving him with irreparable scarring? There are just far too many questions that need answering. All I know is that we deserve to see this security camera footage. I don't even know if it exists, I just know we need to see it. The prospect of watching an armed man be shooed away because he caught a piping hot pizza to the face is oddly hilarious. 

PS - you can't talk about throwing pizza without talking about (probably) the best pizza throw of all time.