Company Comes Out With Body-Sized Wet Wipes Because Showers Are Overrated
Metro- Everyone knows the value of a pack of wet wipes during festival season. It’s the first thing in the rucksack. They’re perfect for that morning freshen-up (i.e. removing ten tons of glitter and eyeliner), for a quick wipe under the pits when you’re not sure if the smell’s coming from the nearby toilets or you, and for wiping your hands with when you inadvertently touch ANY sticky surface. Don’t ask, just wipe. And now, just in time for all those summer festivals and camping expeditions, some genius has come up with the Big Big Body Wipe. That’s a giant wet wipe for your entire body. The wipes measure 4ft by 2ft so you can basically just wipe your whole body clean. Because, who needs showers anyway? Each £5.99 pack, according to the blurb, ‘features two delightfully moist oversized wipes – the perfect way to keep the grub at bay – they’re an essential for all your camping, festival, travelling and sporting adventures.’ The wipes are available here, and the sellers are particularly keen to emphasise their moistness. Despite their size, the moistness is apparently ‘uncompromised.’
2015, you magnificent bastard! Innovation through the roof. This really is a 2015 problem to have. Do I wash my body with soap and warm water or roll around on a giant wet wipe? I guess this product is for festivals where people don’t readily have access to showers but fuck that. You know and I know people are gonna be buying these things because they simply don’t want to make the effort to shower. Who is the target audience for these? Yep, you nailed it. The target audience is the guy from every high school locker room around the world who, instead of showering, coated his entire body in Axe body spray and called it good. That guy has been waiting his entire life for the body-sized wet wipes. I guarantee it’s one of them that came up with this idea in the first place. Now he’s gonna be a gazillionaire. All of the other non-showerers will be telling tales to the kids in high school now who refuse to shower, “Back in my day, I had to cover myself in Axe Essence before heading to 4th period. Now you guys have your fancy body wipes.” What a time to be alive.
PS- This product would be right up my alley if I didn’t sneaky love taking showers. Despite living a weird blogger existence for the past year+, where I could literally go an entire month without showering and it wouldn’t matter, I still shower every day* because showers are awesome. Not to mention it also gives me time to ponder life questions like, “What happens when I eventually get fired?”
*well, everyday most of the time. Let’s not set an impossible standard here.