Johnny Depp's Defamation Trial Hits DEFCON 1 as He Threatened to Cut Off Elon Musk's 'Crooked Dick' and Accused 'Amber Turd' of Pooping His Bed

Remember last month when I posted about the sensational celebrity gossip perfect storm that was one of Hollywood's most bankable stars accusing his actress ex-wife of having a threesome with a famous model and one of the world's most famous, eccentric, billionaire entrepreneurs in their legal proceedings? 

Yeah, well it turns out that was child's play. Something the people involved will someday look back on fondly as the happy times. Like the parts in "A Marriage Story" where Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver are getting along and taking care of their son together. That was just embers, and in court, Johnny Depp's lawyers have been rolling 50-gallon drums of rocket fuel and kicking them over onto the blaze. 

Source - Johnny Depp threatened to 'slice off' Elon Musk's 'd' because he believed the SpaceX founder had an affair with his wife Amber Heard, a court heard today.

The 57-year-old actor has accused Heard, 34, of having an 'extra-marital affair' with the SpaceX billionaire - which Musk vehemently denies and insists their relationship began only after she filed for divorce.

The High Court in London was shown an exchange between Depp and Lady Gaga's ex-fiance Christian Carino, in which the actor said: 'I'll show him things he's never seen before like the other side of his dk when I slice it off.' …

The Musk revelations are the latest salacious details to emerge from Depp's libel trial as he sues The Sun for calling him a 'wife beater' over claims he attacked Heard. 

Other developments in court today included:

  • Depp threw a phone at Amber Heard and called her 'Amber Turd' after she allegedly defecated in their bed after a blazing row on her 30th birthday party; …
  • She accuses him of throwing a magnum of champagne at her and pulling her hair in the ensuing row;
  • The next day, Depp discovered someone - he believed Heard - had defecated in their marital bed; 
  • Defecation made him settle on divorce before Heard accuses him of throwing a phone at her in a later row; …

He also said: 'She's begging for global humiliation. She's gonna get it. I'm gonna need your texts about San Francisco brother…I'm sorry to even ask…. But she sucked Mollusk's [ a reference to Elon Musk] crooked d and he gave her some sh*y lawyers." …

Musk has strenuously denied starting a relationship with Heard before her divorce from Depp, while also slapping down accusations of a three-way love triangle with her and Cara Delevingne.

I shouldn't go another sentence here without throwing out all the necessary "allegedlys" and "accused of" and "allegations" that make lawyers and editors alike dream peaceful dreams when they're adorably all curled up in a sunbeam on the rug. In fact, one of the lawyers cross examined Depp about whether or not it was one of their dogs that might have pooped the bed, so who knows? I don't think CSI was called in to dust the turd for prints. Nor am I alleging there is a bend to Elon Musk's penis. Those are Depp's words, not mine. For all I know, Musk's mighty manhood may be built with the exact dimensions of a SpaceX rocket, in length, girth and straightness, with a minute precision of such exactness that a laser couldn't detect a the slightest deviation. I take no stance on that issue. 

All we do know for sure is that Johnny Depp has led a life unlike anyone I've ever come in contact with in my life. Texting with Lady Gaga's ex, threatening to castrate internationally recognized billionaires, dropping absolutely savage nicknames on people like "Turd" and "Mollusk," talking about threesomes and the world class beauty he loved sucking crooked dicks like it's nothing. If his wife really did drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl in the middle of his Egyptian cotton 1800 thread count sheets, it's the least crazy thing in his life. 

Some cable network or app has got to start showing this trial live. It's the single most entertaining thing we have going on right now.

Let's celebrate with some appier times for Amber Turd Heard.

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