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Penguins Are Now The Official Poop Kings Of The World After Study Shows They Can Fire Feces 4+ Feet

sidenote - What an absurd picture that is. To think that someone had to sit there and create a diagram on how far a penguin can shoot some lincoln logs is preposterous.


Much has been said recently about the safe social distance to keep from each other. When dealing with penguins, however, 'one metre' is clearly not enough.

Experts from Japan have found that the aquatic birds can fire their faeces out of their rectum with such power they reach more than four feet (1.2 meters) away.

It's not often you hear about distance pooping. Not that it's a bad thing, just feel like no one ever attempts it. Us humans have been restricted to our social norm of toilets, making it nearly impossible to accomplish a feat like this. Sadly, it's pretty hard to find any human poop distance records. The only thing that pops up is a story about how some girl had a 26-foot long turd that was placed on the lanes at a bowling alley. I bet penguins can't do that, huh? 

Humans are essentially contact hitters when it comes to pooping. We're out here hitting single and doubles every time plop our coddled asses onto the toilet bowl. That is, of course, given that you haven't pounded a large order of buffalo wings and couple brews. Otherwise, humans may be able to beat this. 

Penguins are more like a Mark McGuire/Barry Bonds type. Power poopers. The penguins are out here firing fucking missiles out of their asshole. Think about the force required to make you're poop go four fucking feet. Their rectum is essentially an M4 cannon.

s/o to whoever made this 'come at me bro' gif in like 2013.

Their high 'rectal pressure' — which sees poo fly at some 4.5 mph — allows penguins to ensure that both they and their nests stay unsoiled when they defecate.

Imagine how weird it must've been to conduct these tests. Forcing penguins to poop all day whilst some jabronis in lab coats sit there with radar guns like it's day 2 of baseball tryouts. How does one even get into this line of work? Where do I sign up to watch penguins poop all day and collect a paycheck? Looks like an easy way to make a couple of bucks but I'm sure the people who are qualified to watch these poop sessions went through all sorts of schooling to get into that line of work. Must be a bit of an eye-opener that you spent all that time and money on college just to watch a flightless bird poop.

"Hey what do you do for a living?"

"Well I use a radar gun to calculate the speed in which a penguin dedicated"

"So you watch penguins poop all day?"

sigh "Yes"

That's how I picture every conversation these scientists have about this job. However, they probably just say use a bunch of big words to make them seem smarter and NOT like they just watch birds shit. I'm sure they do other things too but that's not the point. Carrying on.

4.5 mph on a poop is outrageous. There can't be another animal capable of such a thing, I refuse to believe it. Therefore the penguins are the poop kings of the animal world. I don't make the rules. When you come out pumping straight HEAT from your rectum like penguins are, you deserve that title. One could argue that the size of elephant shit or the recklessness of monkey shit deserves the crown. Nay. For their size, penguins have gotta be the pound-for-pound best shitters on earth. Being that small (relatively) but still pumping out heaters? Can't convince me that they're NOT the undisputed kings of shitting.