Let me tell you a little secret. My 12 pound Pomeranian Emma is the Queen Bitch of my house. She is a poorly trained animal because she is cute and over the last 6 years, she rarely hears no. The latest installation of "Trysta is a bad dog mom" comes in the form of Emma using the high jump skills of an Olympian and one hopping into the 3-foot tall flower pots outside of my apartment building. She then proceeds to let it flow in the flowers.
Hear me out, though. To me, peeing in the hydrangeas is wayyyyy better than popping a squat on the concrete. The concrete is where the NY 90-degree summer sun hits making a tinkle into damn near an airborne virus... It becomes a wall of urine aroma wafting into the lobby. That's what my neighbor Vivian the Pom does; of course, she's a less dignified dog. At least in the soil, there is somewhere for it to go other than the bottom of your Yeezy's.
But my management company did NOT feel the same way. I was admonished, scolded, and sent multiple emails vehemently warning me to NEVER EVER allow Emma in the flower pots.
SOMEBODY dry snitched and snitches get stitches round here. I digress.
But then I saw THIS story in the news.
According to a recent article in Inews, a French woman has unveiled a new bread made from wheat fertilized with women’s urine collected from public toilets.
Uhm. Say again?
The author (a woman) asserts that urine has long been misunderstood and it actually is one of the best natural fertilizers due to how many nutrients are expelled through urine, things like nitrogen and phosphorus that help plants grow.
"Human urine is a rich source of nitrogen, phosphorous, potassium and other trace elements that plants can use to grow, and is also sterile when expelled from the body," she declared.
She also asserts that using human urine, which is used to create fertilizer spread on crops as they grow in the fields, could be a valuable process for cutting costs and boosting yields.
As someone who is looking for ways to cut costs on my grocery bills, I am ALL for cheap sourdough bread, even if the soil was... soiled with female urine?
Let me rethink that. Maybe???
So this begs the question-- did my building get it wrong? Are they just not up on the research around urination and the fertilization of soil? Maybe I should fill them in.
And lest you think I should be the one peeing in the bushes (sicko), as one web site notes, "The only difference between dog urine and human urine is that they come out of differing species. Otherwise, it's next to impossible to tell them apart." So Emma's pee is as good as any other chick in New York City.
Maybe I should bake my property manager some special bread using fertilized wheat from dog piss and then she will see the error in her ways. After she's slathered a couple pieces with butter and stuffed them down her gaping maw before the carbonara, I'll calmly explain to her how Emma helped make the pee bread especially tasty.
But that would be a spiteful thing to do, and so Emma will continue to piss on the sidewalk like an animal instead of the cultured French bitch that she is.