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NEVER TELL A GROWN MAN HOW TO STAND UP PADDLE BOARD!

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There I was. Peacefully stand up paddle boarding AKA SUPPing on a calm scenic lake in Marthas Vineyard. It was the 5th of July and the sound of the water gently lapping the shore and the geese gracefully taking flight made the morning's hangover nothing but a distant memory. It was the most zen I had felt since quarantine started. 

Then I sensed it. The hair on my neck perked up. I was being watched! I turned around to see a 40 yr old man also out for a SUP, quickly gaining on me. As he approached I could tell he was staring directly at me. Oh no! He's not gonna interrupt my serenity but critiquing my paddle form is he?!? He can't possibly think a physical specimen like myself needs help right?

Fortunately, after a couple more minutes starting at me, he passed me without saying a word. Phew! Dodged a bullet. I know I said I was feeling zen but not that zen. If he had actually tried to give me paddle board pointers I would have had no choice but to fight him. I am an aquatic mammal. I've been on the water even since the lucky sperm that made me paddled through my moms fallopian tubes. I paddled out the womb June 16th and never stopped. Get me on, in, or near a body of water and I'm as graceful as a swan. Yes, sometimes on beautiful days whilst nursing a hangover, I tend to paddle extremely slow but that is by design. I'm just trying to soak in my beautiful surroundings and get back in touch with what is really important in life. I am not in need of "help".

Thats when I noticed the other "SUPer" making a b-line directly towards my friend who was 20 yards ahead of me. He got within 4 ft of my buddy (ever heard of social distancing bro? We're in the middle of a pandemic), and started talking to him excitedly while making hand motions in my direction. UH NO! That SUNOVABITCH isn't talking shit about me to my friend?   

When I finally caught up to my friend the other paddle boarder had already left but my buddy told me the ugly truth.

"That guy was worried about you man. He said you need to get the paddle lower and really crank it back like a lever to get more propulsion."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT DOUCHEBAG WAS WORRIED ABOUT ME? IM NOT FUCKING WHITE WATER RAFTING HERE ASSHOLE. I'M NOT SCUBA DIVING WITH A QUARTER TANK OF A GAS. I'M NOT SITTING ON MY BAORD TRYING TO WATER BOARD MYSELF. I'M STANDING UP AND FUCKING PADDLING.  ISN'T THAT THE WHOLE POINT OF STAND UP PADDLE BOARDING??? LAST TIME I CHECKED I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR A PADDLE BOARD REGATTA. THIS ISN'T A FUCKING RACE! I'M TAKING A CASUAL SUNDAY GLIDE ON THE LAKE. IF I WANTED SOME FUCKING TIPS I'D SIGN UP FOR ONE OF THOSE LESSONS YOU PROBABLY FORCE YOUR LOSER KIDS TO TAKE (WHO I'M SURE HATE YOU FOR IT!). 

Needless to say I was furious. But unfortunately the SUP HARDO was already on the other side of the lake so I couldn't viciously assault him with my paddle.  I learned later from my friend's mom but that guy is notorious for giving out unwarranted paddling tips to anyone who enters his general vicinity. Luckily, he was too much of a pussy to talk to me directly as he would have been entering a WORLD OF PAIN.

Giphy Images.

Trust me though, at heart I'm a pacifist. I don't like getting worked up like this to the point where all I see is red. I wouldn't have enjoyed caving his face in. I also normally don't mind if strangers walk up to me and want to chit chat. I'm truthfully a man of the people. But let this be a lesson. DON'T YOU EVER, EVER, TRY TELLING A GROWN MAN HOW TO S.U.P! If he is standing up and paddling (no matter how slow), chances are he has the hang of it and is not in grave danger. Sorry for getting so worked up. It's just that I have patience for many varieties of hardos, and SUP HARDOS are not one of them. End rant.