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Pretending To Know Things About The Beach and Ocean Is An Elite Summer Pastime

I am lucky enough that for the last 20 years I have spent at least a week in Long Beach Island, a nice little beach town on the New Jersey shore. For the last handful of months it seemed like this may be cancelled, but with things improving in the northeast we were actually still able to go during the time Barstool was kind enough to give us the week off.

As someone who enjoys people watching and eavesdropping into ridiculous conversations in public, the beach is an elite place for both. Especially this year because even with COVID and social distancing limiting close interaction, sound carries like crazy from one family/group's little encampment to another. 

One of my favorite more specific things to listen to at the beach is people (almost always 30+ dads) just absolutely spew completely false information about the beach and ocean to their families. I'm not sure what it is, but something about the combination of ocean air, sand between the toes and ten bud heavies just brings out man's deepest nature to spout nonsense.

This past week I was particularly blessed in that the absolute top dog off the bullshit spieling falsity factory sat down directly next to my family every day. In order to get the true picture of this guy, let me paint the scene for you. SaltLiife visor that has never been washed, beer gut hanging nearly down to his penis poking out the bottom of his sun shirt which has also never seen the inside of a washing machine and and an unsettlingly fresh tribal band tattoo on the ankle. I knew the moment he set down his Tommy Bahama beach chair I was in for a good week. Here are some of the falsities he sprung on his unsuspecting family, ranked in order of nonsense level.

7. "Look at that school of dolphins over there"

Not a single dolphin in sight. It was a clump of seaweed accumulating near a sand bar. His kids spent the next 15 minutes desperately trying to spot a dorsal fin that didn't exist.

6. "Seagulls prefer puffer fish"

I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt on this one, since I do not know much about fish, so I googled it. Puffer fish are poisonous to most species. Seagulls very much do not eat them.

5. "Look at that oil rig out there"

Not an oil rig. Very small fishing boat. Clear as day. Either awful depth perception or an incredible lack of understanding what kind of vessel is used as an oil rig.

4. "Diseases don't blow down wind. So as long as the flag is blowing *that* way, we're safe"

Going to have to defer to the CDC on this one. Not true, also doesn't really make sense. Also, he pointed the wrong direction.

3. "Ooh look, another oil rig?"

Literally the same boat as earlier.

2. "It's actually easier to swim against the current because of friction"

Anyone who has ever spent a single moment in the ocean would know this is absolutely not true. I honestly cannot fathom how these words left his mouth. This one was, at the time, slated for number one on the list until he went ahead and topped it by putting his family in immediate danger.

1. Riptides are only present during high tide"

This is VERY false and I felt incredibly responsible for the well-being of this guy's children who now have an irrational sense of security that they very much should not have. I immediately had visions of these kids just drifting out to sea caught in a riptide. Not exactly the vision I was hoping for on vacation.