As the Fourth of July approaches this weekend, we all know there is no more American way to celebrate than consuming an ungodly amount of calories in meats and various red, white and blue treats and then subsequently exploding fireworks into the sky to see shit blow up.
Well, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission apparently wants to make this Fourth of July — fittingly alongside the rest of this year, I suppose — the worst of all-time by telling us we can only use the missionary position fireworks. Light a sparkler and wave it around pretending that's any fun.
And while I likely would not have thought of many of the activities listed in this video, such as sticking my face directly above a firework about to explode — I'll probably still stay away from that one — some of this stuff looks like a great way to celebrate the independence of our great nation.
Blowing up a watermelon with colorful explosives? Sign me up. I'm all for safety but this video is giving out mixed signals because a lot of that stuff looks pretty damn fun.
I think I legally have to say in all seriousness to heed the advice of this video and don't do anything unsafe, so I say that. I also say I will be setting aside a watermelon on Saturday for demolition by explosives.
God Bless the U.S.A.