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Is Canada Attempting To Steal The Stanley Cup? On Canada Day, No Less!


Well well well...would ya look at that? Happy Canada Day, eh? 

Those goofy bastards up North have probably been loving us here in the States completely fuck everything up with this pandemic. All they had to do was sit back, crush some Molsons, and wait for us to completely botch all the work we put in the first 3 months of quarantine so they could steal both hub cities away from us for the NHL's return. And that right there is best case scenario. That right there is me giving them the benefit of the doubt of being the most polite humans on the planet. If Canadians were just a little more sinister than they lead on to be...well I don't want to be an alarmist here but it wouldn't completely shock me to learn that they're the ones who are responsible for setting off this second wave. And just so they could get both hub cities? *Claude Giroux pigeon noise*

But it would make sense. Canada is attempting to steal the Stanley Cup back. They're going full blown National Treasure on our asses here. We all know how long its been since a Canadian franchise has won the Cup. It happened the year before Justin Bieber was born. Then just a few months after Bieber was born, the Rangers beat Vancouver in the '94 Final and the Bieber Curse was solidified. If there were ever a way to break the Bieber Curse, this is it. No matter what happens, the Stanley Cup will be won on Canadian soil. Sure seems like an easy way to rig the playoffs to make sure it's a Canadian team taking Lord Stanley out for a few laps around the ice at the end of this whole thing, no?

Oh and not to mention the way the draft lottery worked out, Alexis Lafreniere is 100% going to end up in Montreal now. A quick loss to the Penguins in the play-in round, Montreal gets their French-speaking savior, AND the Cup is won on Canadian soil? I'm not even mad. I'm impressed. Congratulations, ya hosers. Happy Canada Day to you and yours. Love you all, but still hate you for 2010. But mostly love you.