Tits: Is There Anything they CAN'T Do?

I remember this queen like it was yesterday. Fall term my freshman year at Oregon, sitting in the MASSIVE lecture hall, and there she was, strolling through the double doors, backpack on, and like a Ferrari California on a summer day in LA, topless. 

The reason it is burned into my brain is that I was still recovering from making the grave mistake of getting my tongue pierced and I had ZERO desire to talk. My throat muscle was swollen to the point I couldn't swallow. But I had to talk to her. What is this chick's deal? What caused her to make this decision? Eugene was granola but this was ANOTHER LEVEL. 

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So I asked her. "Hey, um, I hope this isn't rude but I'm just curious… why do you come to class topless?" 

Her response was that "it gives me superpowers. Every class I've taken topless, I've received an A in. I think it's obvious they're the reason." 

RESPECT. 

And from then on I had a special respect for the Power of the Tit. A little thirst trap, a flash of cleavage, can be enough to save you money at the bar, get you a promotion, shit, probably even solve the water crisis in Flint, Michigan.

Sometimes, tits can give you the power to save lives. 

Jessica Layton, aka the British Wonder Woman, was taking a respite from saving the world, simply relaxing on a local beach in Cornwall, UK… topless. She took a swim, presumably because her hero spidey sense areolas were tingling, and she noticed two women were struggling in the water by the rocks. 

Jessica in all of her topless glory sprung into action. 

“I swam towards them and thought ‘oh s**t’ as I realized how strong the rip current was. I was struggling myself and they were panicking, which wasn’t ideal in a situation like that.”

But of course, her melons, in all of their glory and buoyancy, propelled her like a sea-doo through the crashing waves and to these three damsels in distress. 

“I was going to tell them to float, which is the best thing you can do in a rip current, but they were panicking so much it wouldn’t have worked. They were all holding hands, so I grabbed one of their hands and pulled them all on to the beach,” Layton said.

“One of the women said ‘aren’t you strong?’ afterward — I’m not sure where the strength came from.”

I know. I think it's pretty obvious where her strength comes from; the writer for Cornwall knew it too. The same place that my classmate got her superpowers. 

From her pert coconuts. 

We, women, need to take note of how powerful our breasts really are. Instead of imprisoning them inside of tight bras and hoodies, we need to let them free. Just like Tony Stark turns into Iron Man when he puts on his armoured suit, we turn into powerful superheroes, when we take our suits OFF. When we do that, we become not only Superwomen, but also your KRYPTONITE. After all, nothing turns a man into a bumbling idiot like a pair of tits.

So remember, it's not the years of swimming necessary to understand how to navigate the dangers of a rip tide, the courage to help others in a time of desperate need, or the skill to actually pull off an ocean rescue. It's the chesticles.

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To paraphrase Homer Simpson: Tits. Is there anything they CAN'T do?