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Congress Needs To Ban Restaurants From Buying Fake Crab Meat And Selling Them On Menus As "Crab Cakes"

GettyImages-588648054.jpg The Washington Post. Getty Images.

Every Sunday, like most red blooded Americans, I like to treat myself to a nice big meal before Monday comes and along with it, the ol' "being healthy starts tomorrow, I swear this time" broken promise. We all have our staples- Chinese, pizza, nachos, whatever you like. Last night, I wanted a big ol' burger. Just a big nasty fella. So that's what I did. I ordered this big half pound chipotle burger with pepperjack cheese and bacon and a side of sweet potato fries, and it was pretty good. I like my burgers to be a big juicier, but it was solid nonetheless. 

But since I'm a naughty boy, I wanted a little treat for myself. A little pick me up. A little something that says "you have direct deposit and god dammit you deserve to spoil yourself sometimes". So I ordered one of my favorites foods in the world, a crab cake. Who doesn't love a crab cake? As a good ol' Maryland boy, you don't get the best crab cakes up here in NYC, but some are passible.

And this is what showed up:

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Just this big brick, hockey puck looking thing, looking deep fried. I knew I was in for something bad, but I didn't know how bad it could be.

To put it lightly, it's the worst thing I've ever eaten. There is not a single piece of crab meat in that monstrosity. Here's a closer look at it:

 

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I'm not even going to pretend to know what I'm looking at here. Some weird imitation crab meat with random raw vegetables in it? I cannot even express how terrible it is, but more importantly, how much it is very NOT a crab cake.

For starters, a crab cake should have…well I don't want to go out on a limb here, but it should have crab. I don't think that's setting the bar too high. I think the item should have it's namesake inside of it. This is a crab cake:

 

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This is not a crab cake:

 

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And you should NOT be able to call the latter the former. It's a lie, it's garbage, it's rubbish, and it's not true. You can't just lie to a customer like this! If it doesn't have crab, it can't be called a crab cake! 

I took like 3 bites trying to figure out what I was eating. Trying to find some sort of distinct taste or flavor. And I found nothing besides a big ol' belly ache and a $20 hole in my wallet. $20!!! Did I mention that?! If it was like, $8.99 I'd expect to be shitted on, but not for $20! 

I'm a simple man. I like pizza. I like burgers. I like to treat myself to a crab cake. And if we can't trust our restaurants to have crab meat in a crab cake, than who can we trust anymore? #OutlawArtificialCrabMeatBeingSoldAtRestaurantsAsCrabCakes2020