(Source) — When Darren Sharper gets out of prison in less than a decade, if he wants to stay out, the former NFL star who once cut loose on the field and in nightclubs from Miami to Los Angeles will live the closely monitored life of a known predator. During his first three to five years of freedom, California officials will track him by GPS. He’ll undergo sex offender treatment for years. He can’t drink alcohol for the rest of his life or go to bars or liquor stores. He can’t visit sex shops or chat on the Internet to get a date. If he wants to spend the night away from home or travel more than 50 miles, state officials must approve it. Sharper will be subject to lie detector tests and, while on lifetime probation in Arizona, to the “penile plethysmograph,” in which a sensor is attached to the penis while an array of sexual images flashes before his eyes, to gauge arousal.
A penile plethysmograph? Holy hell. Talk about the most difficult test in history. I’m not saying Darren Sharper doesn’t deserve this punishment because he does, he deserves worse. If you’re a serial rapist you should be castrated and buried under the jail. But can you imagine taking a test where your arousal is gauged and, presumably, if you’re too horny you go to jail? Fail. Fail every time. I’d go into that thing sweating bullets like it was a midterm you tried to cram for. No chance I pass. “Here’s a sexual image, don’t get horny.” I get horny if I think about a cheeseburger. I get horny if the couch gives me a lustful eye. I get horny if I actually touch my dick grabbing my phone out of my pocket. You’re gonna gauge my arousal while showing me porn? Jesus Christ. You know when you didn’t study for a test and you just sit there waiting for someone to hand there’s in first? That’s what I’d do for a penile plethysmograph. Just walk in with my hands out and be like “Alright I’m awake so I’m gonna be off the charts on the arousal-meter. Just put the cuffs on. Also I would’ve failed if this test was given while I was asleep.”