The Chicago Lakefront Is Still Closed And I'm A Big Dumb Idiot Because I Can't Figure Out Why

CBS - Signs are still posted, the lakefront is still closed. COVID-19 concerns have closed everything between Lake Shore Drive and Lake Michigan, including beaches, playground, bathrooms and trails.

I remember when Lori Lightfoot first got elected and there was this guy in the background of her acceptance speech just screaming at the top of his lungs. YES WE DID LORI. YES WE DID. 

That guy brought the noise on election night and I'd be a liar if I didn't think about him every time Lori gets publicly dragged which is a lot. I know we like approval polls and stuff but there's something majestic about how she's united everyone across this city in their critical hate towards her administration. In Big Boy Media we call that "playing the long game" which brings me back to my guy here. I hope he's doing well and I mean that sincerely. Lori you know has zero problem with telling someone to fuck off and dealing with the consequences. Its the YES THEY DID guys we need to be looking out for in this hour entire-fucking-year of landmark letdowns. 

Specifically I need him to give me a pump up speech about the lakefront still being closed. Absolutely fucking blows and before you guys call me a pussy for enjoying nature - let me remind everyone that the lakefront is actually the bicycle highway in Chicago. Is it a nice touch to get pristine protected views of the lake as you go? Absolutely. But practically speaking it's also just nice to be able to ride your bike to Declans without zig zagging CTA bus routes and the xanax/adderall Range Rover moms that plague near northside traffic. Or walk the dog. Or go for a run (lol). Or get loaded at the beach then forget your credit card at Castaways. Or going to the playpen and working on that base tan with all those girls from Naperville that uber'd in because your Greek friend from back home has a family boat in Belmont Harbor. 

Practically speaking that's why the lakefront is so special to Chicago. It holds a little bit of everything for everyone. From billionaire Ken Griffin who privately funded a separate walking path in the range of tens of millions of dollars because he didn't like sharing his morning walk with bikers. To the Chicago Park District summer camp program that lets the 14 year olds run wild. To the guy in the orange bike helmet blasting Van Halen and throwing Miller Lites to thirsty residents over 21 years of age. Everyone belongs there and it's no surprise the city has had enough. Effective this weekend it would appear the ban is effectively over? 


We're either terrified of COVID or we're not. I don't see a ton of middle ground on the topic anymore so it would be nice to get this figured out pronto. In the meantime, one more round for the guys in the back: