NYC Health Officials are Recommending 'Kinky' Group Sex Parties Now
NY Post - They’re still working out the kinks.
City health officials issued updated guidance Monday on how to practice safe sex during the coronavirus pandemic — suggesting New Yorkers kiss boring bedroom behavior goodbye.
“Make it a little kinky,” the Health Department advisory recommends. “Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.”
Before getting frisky, everyone should be slipping on a different kind of protection — a face mask ... according to the agency, which this week announced free home delivery of condoms, lube and HIV self-test kits. “Maybe it’s your thing, maybe it’s not.”
For those who find social distancing a turnoff, officials advise choosing large, open and “well-ventilated spaces” for group sex — and bring along alcohol-based hand sanitizer for good measure.
The newest advisory is an expanded version of one released in March, which warned against kissing and in-person dates, saying masturbation was the safest type of sex. ...
In the March guidance, the agency called out “rim jobs” as particularly dangerous — and swiftly became the butt of Twitter jokes.
Health officials continue to poo poo the practice.
First of all, New York Post, "kinks out." "Butt of Twitter jokes." "Poo poo the practice." This is for your sexual innuendo pun game, which is unparalleled in the history of tabloid journalism.
We in the blogging world bow to your superiority. If Deadspin could've matched your skills, they might have turned a profit.
With that said, so we in the Northeast are moving the goalposts yet again here, are we? For months the officials told us that any human contact with anyone from outside your own home was tantamount to dropping a virus bomb. In fact, they were talking about arresting anyone who violated the orders. So the new guideline is what exactly? You don't need protection other than a face mask? You don't even need condoms if that's not "your thing"? You can bone multiple strangers with impunity just so long as you're doing it through a doorway and the ceilings are high enough? Meaning that I guess everyone could've been having massive, wild, quarantined orgy ragers al this time, with an invention as simple as the Glory Hole?
Well OK then. Good to know. I guess we are starting to get out ahead of this thing if the smartest people in the room are telling you go ahead and exchange all the fluids you want with whomever you want. Just so long as you don't toss their salad, breathe each other's breath or stand 5'11" away from them in a retail shop. Rawdog to your heart's content. Creampie like a pastry chef. Bukkake like Jackson Pollack creating a modern art masterpiece. Enjoy more watersports than guests a Sandals resort. The NYC Health Department has got your back just as long as you spritz a little Purell on your hands afterward, enjoy that orgy.
Maybe this is the turning point. And when we're old and gray and sitting around with our grandkids talking through the germ-free environments inside their hermetically-sealed individual force fields, we can tell them all about the day we knew we had the 'Rona licked was the day the government told us group sex was back on the menu. Just like they did with the Spanish Flu of 1918.
Of course this applies to yours truly. I'm in my 26th year of marriage, which means I've remained fully celibate throughout all of this. But if I was a free agent and found yet another woman willing to do the grungey tumble, there's no way I'd be any less safe than Lt. Frank Drebin.