Are You There Mush? It's Me, Mantis.

Dear Marty,

If you're reading this, I want you to know that you are doing great things for this world. Whether it's nailing trick shots into a cup, reviewing books, or eating Oreos in a shower, you are making many people laugh and smile. And you should be proud of that! I just have one concern that I want to get off my sunken chest. From what I've been getting tagged in recently, it appears you are slowly transforming into my body, and that is not ok.

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I understand we're all losing it during these tough times. Our diets have been tossed in the trash, exercise honestly hasn't been worth it the past few months, and we're all looking homeless. We were living through some dark days not too long ago. 

I'm worried for you Marty! Nobody deserves to have the mangled, physique, body that asshole upstairs gave me, or whoever it was! Nobody is perfect brother. I know people have mentioned your hairline might be a problem, but that is something you can't fix. Morphing into a Mantis however, is something that can be prevented. 

Remember the first time we met during Barstool Idol? Our walk to Shake Shack? The time we were roommates in the Airbnb during Idol week and told each other we were going to win the job? Those were great times Marty, and we looked great too! Well, actually you looked great. 


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We can go back to these days Marty. Together, we can get you back to looking like Marty Mush, and not Marty Mantis. I'm here for you, your coworkers are here for you, everyone is here for you. I'm glad you are working out with Dana, but I don't know if he's the most ideal trainer to have, but to each its own. Put the Oreos down Marty. You were a D1 athlete at one point of your life! I know you can get back into that peak shape. I miss ya buddy. I hope this intervention message got some gears turning. 

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