Fairly slow around the Internets and Opening Day is about a week away. Naturally, I thought we’d revisit a revised version of the best fictional skips Hollywood, and life, has to offer. So here ye, here ye, the greatest baseball mind on the Stool, nay, possibly the greatest baseball mind of our generation has the floor. I have no doubts whatsoever that any of these coaches could step into a Major League scenario and lead their respective team to victory. Unless of course it’s this year’s Phillies, because not even the lovechild of Connie Mack and Jesus could help them hit that coveted 70 win mark.
Danny Glover, California Angels (Angels In The Outfield)
Not too hard to manage a winner when you got a young Joseph Gordon-Levitt making an angelic Doc Brown swoop in and goose the opposing teams into making errors left and right. Can’t disrespect Danny Glover, though. The man was a few days away from retirement 30 years ago. He’s too old for this shit.
Pop Fisher, NY Knights (The Natural)
Wilfred Brimley will develop you into a ball player then give you a mustache ride in the cheap seats all before you can say DIABEETUS.
Kid Gleason, Chicago Black Sox (Eight Men Out)
Anybody with the patience to manage a team in the World Series that you know is throwing the games and not kill the people involved deserves a mention.
Phil Brickma, Pitching Coach, Chicago Cubs (Rookie Of The Year)
Screw Henry Rowengartner. Not that hard to coach a kid when he throws 100+ mph. I’m talking about the job Phil Brickman did to get down and out Chet Steadman in shape physically and mentally for one more decent season. Hot. Ice.
The Top 5:
5. Morris Buttermaker, Bad News Bears (Bad News Bears)
Anyone who is able to be consistently drunk and curse at kids in Little League and still lead their talentless taints to contention deserves to be recognized. And I’m talking about the Walter Matteau version who in the end cared about his players and was a functioning alcoholic. Pretty sure Billy Bob Thorton would actually be a drunk asshole and beat the children.
4. Crash Davis, Durham Bulls (Bull Durham)
He may not have been the coach in name but everyone knew that Crash Davis was essentially in charge of the Durham Bulls. Anybody who could guide Tim Robbins and his awfully awkward pitching motion to not only the show but Susan Surandan’s snatch is someone worth listing to.
3. Billy Heywood, Minnesota Twins (Little Big League)
I don’t care if he is 12-years-old, Billy Heywood already forgot more about the game than you will ever know. Kid’s legit. He gets in players faces and expects results. Plus his Mom has got that ’90’s MILF thing going on. Definitely worth that ginger first basemen to risk his career to try to Kirby her Puckett.
2. Jimmy Dugan, Rockford Peaches (A League Of Their Own)
Not that hard to win when you got the female Johnny Bench behind the plate, Marla fucking Hooch looking and hitting like The Great Bambino and Madonna wrecking fastballs almost as much as she wrecked dicks. But you gotta hand it to Jimmy Dugan, giving advice the right way through and through. Hit the cutoff man. There’s no crying in baseball. Avoid the clap. All great things. (Sidenote: Movie was decent but dammit Tom Hanks in this is one of my top 10 favorite characters of all time.)
1. Lou Brown, Cleveland Indians (Major League)
Could there be anyone else? Dude was selling white walls and tires in the off-season and he took players who were straight from the Mexican and California Penal Leagues to a division crown. Sure, he had help from the manager of the clubhouse
Darren Daulton Jake Taylor, but the decisions came down to Lou and he made sure it was his way or the highway. Pissing on smugtits Roger Dorn’s contract was the first statement of many that Lou wasn’t going to take any of this Oley Bullshit. RIP James Gammon.