America's sweetheart Dan Bilzerian found time between his IG posts with paid insta models, private jets, and guns to write an autobiography. Outstanding. Who would have known a man with a such a busy schedule could fit in a thoughtful novel to inspire us all. Maybe he'll have a whole chapter on asking a cop for a gun during the Vegas shooting because he tried to become a Navy Seal that one time? Maybe's there's a section on calling out Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer for being "some marine" and a "retard" after he criticized Bilzerian for fleeing the scene when a woman was shot? Or how about paying his way into 'Lone Survivor' so he could get some camera time being a fake Navy Seal? Or how he gets so many nudes from girls he has to tell them to stop? There's just so many good tales to read about this guy it only makes sense he had to write a whole book to put them all in one place.
Now all that's left is the title. This can make or break such a moving piece so he's got to nail it. Bilzerian has offered up $5,000 to the internet for the best suggestion. I will say it does it sound like a tough task to summarize this special asshole's life in one sentence, which makes sense why he's crowd sourcing it with the internet. Not going to lie, I thought this whole time his last name was Blizerian, but that's neither here of there. Let's see what the internet has to offer!
Hot start off the bat. In a normal year this guy gets the prize, but there are a lot of great titles out there to pick from. 4.4 balls
2.3 balls. Almost too serious for my liking.
I admittedly laughed at Don Bilborian. 3.7 balls
Accurate, short, and to the point, 4.2 balls
If Bilzerian was kinda funny and wanted to make fun of himself he'd go this rout but zero chance that's possible. 3.9 balls
4.6 balls. As strong as it gets. Sums up everything fairly perfect.
4.7 balls. Can't give a perfect score here, but this one is damn near close. Similar to Mike Trout not winning AL MVP in 2012 only because Miguel Cabrera happened to win the triple crown that year.
And your winner ladies and gentleman. Perfection. Sure it's a little long but I've never been one to cower away from a lengthy title. $5,000 to Abe. What's fair is fair. By the way, there's a 198% chance Bilzerian paid Google to say he was 5'9" and not something like 5'6".
P.S. The comments on Insta are flat out insufferable. Everything is basically this and it makes me want to kill myself.
People older than 12 years old actually think Dan Bilzerian is the man? Might be the easiest way to spot an asshole and to ignore that person for eternity.