Guy Has a Whole Fish Stuck Up His Ass After 'Sitting on it Accidentally'

Source - A 30-year-old man in China has had a whole fish removed from his rectum after he had allegedly sat on it by accident.  

Gruesome footage shows medics removing the dead blue tilapia from the patient's body at a hospital.

Reports from local media did not specify the fish's size but the species usually measures 30-40 centimetres (12-16 inches) long. ...

Doctors made the shocking discovery during an X-ray scan after the 30-year-old man had gone to the hospital for severe abdominal pain.

The patient, who remains anonymous, claimed that the fish slipped into his rectum after he had accidentally sat on the creature, according to Guangdong Television.

Sure, it's easy to laugh. To dismiss the victim here as a liar. Every, single one of us has at least one person in the medical profession in our lives. So we all know that the one common trait they all share is they have stories about people coming into the ER with weird objects stuck up their butts. And not one person has ever come clean and said, "Well doctor, I was cramming this jar of Miracle Whip up my lower intestine for the sexual thrill." It's always a freak accident. A billion to one shot. A guy just going about his business and losing his balance at the worst possible time, with a rectum-stretching household object perfectly positioned to insert itself in his balloon knot. The kind of thing that could happen to anyone; he just happened to be the unlucky guy. 

Seinfeld did a riff on this very thing in the legendary "Assman" episode. He mocked the phenomenon and anyone who would take a journey down this particular avenue of pleasure and then claim it was an accident. Until guess what? That exact thing happened to Frank Costanza. And he had to have Kramer's Fusilli Jerry removed from his cornhole:

So this anonymous patient deserves the benefit of the doubt, as well as our sympathy and understanding. He very well could've been preparing a nice blue tilapia dinner for himself. It falls off the cutting board onto the chair. He slips on the wet floor. Goes down ass first onto the chair. The fish gets inserted into his colon. The more he struggles to get it out, the deeper in it goes. Until finally he gives up and goes to the hospital. There but for the grace goes anyone who enjoys cooking pantsless. Personally, I don't Porky Pig it around the kitchen for any number of reasons, almost none of which involve things going up my buttcrack accidentally. But I'm not going to disparage anyone who does just because he had one unfortunate incident. 

All that said, let's assume for a second this wasn't a mishap. Let's say he really was pleasuring himself with a fish. The only reason people are lying to our health care workers is because they're too embarrassed to tell the truth. And that's on us. It's time to end the butthole shaming and just accept that whatever a man chooses to do in the privacy of his own home is strictly between his dead blue tilapia, himself and his god. Let's all be better and usher in a new era of objects-lodged-in-the-rectum acceptance.