I know, I know. It seems like every male blogger feels the need to write a persuasive essay like this at some point in his career. But at the age of 27, I just didn’t think that moment would come so soon for me. Sure, the trolls have been spewing that I’m a “virgin” from the tiny mouths of their anonymous avatars for a while now. They’re just trolls after all.
But it wasn’t until yesterday that I finally snapped and felt the need to defend my honor. When one of my unfiltered photographs from the autumn of 2013 resurfaced and I was subsequently “confirmed” a virgin at the time of that infamous photoshoot.
DrewskiCal90, welcome to your tape. I was no Joey Salads, but as an up-and-coming Vine star in 2013, I still did my fair share of fucking. And I’m about to prove it to you. Here are 13 reasons why I wasn’t a virgin on September 22, 2013.
1. I went to a college with over 60% females in 2013
In 2013, I was a 20-year-old dude in the prime of my life at a public university with nearly tens of thousands of girls on campus. As a single and slender stud at one of the top party schools in America’s Rust Belt, the world was my clam. Basic literacy wasn’t even a requirement for obtaining pussy. And I took full advantage of those perks.
2. I went to prom in 2013
Much like going to college in 2013, going to prom was also one of the most sexually attractive things that a 20-year-old man could do.
3. I had a way with words
It’s no secret that women go berserk for a man with masterful puns and wordplay skills. That’s why Earl Sweatshirt and Lupe Fiasco fucked their way through LA and Chicago, respectively, before they could even legally drink. I was no different, except my studio was Twitter and my audience was the 235 people who followed me on the app.
4. My game
When it comes to game (with girls), it’s all about subtlety and deception. And I was the king of that combo, the master of that mix, and the duke of that duo. I was no Kaitlin Bennett or Ohio National Guard member, but I was known for shooting my shot on Kent State’s campus.
This is an old tactic of mine that almost never failed. Did I really need a “study buddy” to help me prepare for how to google “Where was Dizzy Gillespie born” for an online quiz? Absolutely not. I was actually in the market for a fuck buddy. So when a theoretical female classmate saw that tweet and responded with “I’m in that class too! We should def study together some time,” we’d exchange dorm room numbers and it was a wrap.
5. My sense of humor
Oh, that female classmate was playing hard to get and had too much pride to reply to my tweet? Well, wait till she logged onto Blackboard and saw that I intentionally misinterpreted the historical achievements of Jazz musicians for those of Karl Malone and John Stockton. That’s the type of elite comedy that I had in my arsenal back in 2013.
6. My fame
Not to be “that guy,” but from consistently averaging nearly multiple favorites and almost just as many RTs on my tweets in 2013, I garnered a local “celebrity” status amongst the people of the Wheeling, WV and Kent, Ohio micropolitan areas. Predictably, girls fucking loved this. Boys did too. So when I went to Chapel Hill Mall in Akron in search of a baby blue American Eagle blouse to match my boys in Dunbar Hall, it was a rarity for me to not get recognized and stopped by a swarm of shoppers.
7. My maturity
Even at a young age, I prioritized things like vacations and money over silly things that only little kids care about, like technological advancements and the climate.
8. My immaturity
Butttt I also had a fun and goofy side. Yup, I was the perfect balance. Sometimes I had the tendency to be a drunken mess, but I never let it affect my academic and relationship goals.
9. My transparency
Girls love a man who is transparent and openly communicates with them instead of bottling up their emotions. Someone who’s not afraid to have the difficult conversations, even if they know tears and heartbreak are imminent.
10. Self Reflection
A God-fearing, church-going man was the number one thing that girls in West Virginia and rural Ohio looked for in a partner in the late 2000s/early 2010s. And boy was I in the right place at the right time.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking: “Kyle, you being a devout and confirmed Catholic is one of the main reasons why you were a virgin for so long.” False. Even the best of us slipped up from time to time.
12. I had a soft side
Maybe it was a yearning for the loving embrace of a soulmate’s hand, or maybe it was an affinity for quoting Owl City’s Vanilla Twilight ballad. Either way, it was a quality of mine that was undeniably successful.
13. I had a hard side
Much like the natural appeal and guilty pleasure of dating/fornicating with a drug dealer or fist fighter, girls on my college campus were also wildly and innately attracted to someone who broke the law in other ways.