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Give Me Grape Jelly On A Breakfast Sandwich Or Give Me Death

Just the other day I was bragging to Chief and WSD about the heat and strength of my morning farts when an unfortunate realization came to my senses. 

I was attributing my ass's force to the Picante (Hot) sauce as it's custom to begin each McDonald's breakfast with a generously slathered burrito. This morning was no different although admittedly my ass was putting up an all pro performance in a room of adult peers. 

Picante usually isn't strong enough to do that on its own. I offered an alternative:

You know, it could also be the grape jelly / mcmuffin combo

Chief & WSD simultaneously: Like Columbus discovering New York City in 1492 these guys were absolutely baffled. So much so that WSD thought I was just trying to get a reaction out of him.

I swear you're fucking me 


Yes and I chose breakfast sandwich condiments as the perpetrator. Spread em Davey Boy. From there it was a brief and shallow conversation. Me assuaging my colleagues into respecting an unlikely culinary partnership, my colleagues refusing to believe my perceived nonsense when Eddie spoke up

I think jelly on everything is an Irish thing. They love jelly. 

Hard to argue against 11/16 of my genetic makeup but also hard to argue against the sweet & salty balance of 32% of your daily sodium intake mashed up with the good stuff.That's honestly me every time I go full packet on the top half of my McMuffin. The youthful energy, the big whiff and excitement as I prepare for utter indulgence. You can't accidentally get to this point in life without intentionally loving everything there is to love about Grade A Fancy grape jam SMOTHERED on a pile of hot eggs and breakfast meat. I don't care if you're Irish or English or deathly allergic to California concord grapes. Anyone who has taken the leap of faith knows where I'm coming from and can respect this commitment.The rest of you need to get to fucking work. There's never been a less shameless time to go heavy fast food breakfast and instead of living appropriately/dangerously, you're criticizing my devotion to a fruit-spread condiment. Maybe stop scaring all the babes away and give the bitching a rest for once. Your taste buds will thank me.

Thank you, Carl.

You're welcome, Taste Buds. 

Lesson #2 (date TBD) - How to appropriately wheeze the juice. 

PS - Encino Man is an underrated movie. Let's fight about it.