Troy

So this is pretty fucking stupid. But I think some things need cleared up, so here we are. “Intern Troy” was conceived in December when I realized that Barstool was hiring new employees so rapidly that “I don’t even know half the people here” was a common sentiment at the Christmas party. It was almost like some of the seasoned staffers saw it as a badge of honor to completely disregard their new coworkers’ existence. I know I did. After all, you can’t maintain a delusion of workplace superiority by doing things like “practicing common formalities” or “introducing yourself to others.” That’s when I started casually weaving “Troy” into conversations with people at the office. Strictly innocuous and mundane things though, as to not blow my cover.

“I did a bunch of green tea shots with Vibbs and Troy last night but didn’t get too crazy.”

“That new intern Troy told me that Potbelly is doing a 20% off deal on sandwiches today.”

“I saw Troy grab 3 Shake Shack burgers but I’m almost positive he gave them all to Big Cat.”

Stuff like that. Mind you, this was right after I was exposed for spreading callous rumors about Jeff D. Lowe forcing his wide receivers to strictly run button hook routes as a youth street football quarterback, so I had to walk on eggshells when it came to my trustworthiness. 

And when it comes to people named Jeffrey D. facing disgusting allegations, that button hook rumor had to be at the top of the list. I couldn’t afford to end up in another Boy Who Cried Wolf situation. But the more I mentioned Troy, the less people seemed to care. And when Nick was hired in February and joined in on the joke, we’d both subtly name drop him about once a week in the office or on live streams, and no one even questioned his existence, let alone his employment. For some reason, a 22-year-old dude from Fordham getting an internship at Barstool wasn’t all that unbelievable or interesting. 

This pissed me directly off. The whole point of elaborately and compulsively lying about something is to benefit from it in some way. And I got a grand total of zero joy or laughter out of watching people apathetically shrug off my harmless claims about this anonymous intern. I wanted Troy to become a villain. I wanted the most hated person at Barstool to be a fake employee. I fantasized about causing someone to get in an “inner-office feud” with a fictional coworker. So I made a Twitter account for Troy and gradually got to work on my new goal.

The first step was giving him the basic prerequisites for the “insufferable and overconfident douchebag” archetype: the goateed and/or chin-strapped white guy from your college’s intramural flag football team who has a cancerous combination of favorite sports squads and strictly uses AAVE on social media despite being a tenured Young Life counselor. The type of cornball who could stumble his way into an internship for an unprofitable aspiring podcast.

That didn’t seem to be too effective at first, so Nick and I decided to start publicly shaming and degrading Troy ourselves in an attempt to spark some type of domino effect.

And before long, the Barstool audience started formulating their own negative opinions about him.

And lower-tier websites and podcasts started DMing him for interviews, to some avail.

My ideal trajectory for Troy was finally coming to fruition. I convinced myself that I was about to pull off my greatest ruse since Vegas. Then, a certain blog was published that caused me to get way too excited and jump the gun. It was written by a young man named Young Mantis and it reminded me far too much of my days as a Craigslist menace.

I think the blog reminded me so much of a Craigslist ad because, well, it was pretty much a Craigslist ad.

I had to pounce. Troy had to pounce. So I did. So he did. 

This is nothing against Mantis. He’d be one of the last people I’d target as Troy’s first coworker enemy if it weren’t for his roommate-wanted advertisement. Especially considering that nothing or nobody really makes Mantis snap or lose his cool. At least to my knowledge. I was fighting an uphill battle with this gag.

But everyone has a boiling point, right? Or at least a point where they’d stop considering a mysterious and probable felon as a potential roommate.

This is where I figured the plot was going to be officially foiled. I didn’t have a spare cell phone to text Mantis from, and there was no way that “not trying to risk shit with phone tappings” would be a believable excuse. Nevertheless, Troy persisted to stay in the clear.

Amidst this exchange, Troy also felt the need to bring Donnie on board to have his back.

Donnie:

And this is when Troy felt the need to prematurely make the official announcement on Twitter.

It was his most popular tweet of all time, and people seemed to be all about the potential domestic relationship. 

Back to Donnie:

Troy may be suspiciously threatening, but there’s no denying that he’s a mastermind of discontinued software programs like Adobe Creative Suite.

Maybe Nick would give Troy a good letter of recommendation:

Or at least a sweet boy like Kyle would do as much:

Troy desperately needed Donnie’s words of approval at this point...

But couldn’t even get that.

Unlike Jeff Lowe, Troy had to attempt a Hail Mary:

God bless Mantis for being so calm and collected with such an abominable fucking dickhead like Troy Dietrich. He ultimately figured out that it was all a prank, so the jig is up in some regard. But there’s a few others at the company who are currently dealing/interacting with Troy and they will almost definitely not read this blog, so we’ll see where this goes.

Also, I have NOT been operating a twitter account for a fake intern since 2018. I just transitioned my “Hornier Facts” parody account to Troy’s personal one.

Which is even more pathetic.