After mum has been the word on the NBA's return for the last few months now, in a flurry, over the last few days there has been a ton of news coming out signaling that the playoffs look very much in "play". The latest development is that games could return as early as July and the logistics on how this all will work seems to be coming clearer into focus.
What we know now is that the tentative plan is for the NBA to create a single site concept (a bubble if you will), and the front runner location is the happiest place on earth, Walt Disney World.
I have a few questions.
1. Will their family stay with them in the bubble?
2. Will everyone have to stay in the bubble at all times or will they be able to leave?
3. What kind of entertainment will be there for athletes to be able to blow off the proverbial steam?
Family in the Bubble
I'd say overall, it's a very low probability the fam comes, right? I don't think it's a feasible situation to have an entire brood living for 90 days in a hotel room with a single king bed and a cot. Can you imagine how distracting it might be for the Greek Freak to deal with (more like listen to) the daily trials and tribulations of a newborn baby while locking in during the playoffs?
I'd say VERY.
To Leave Bubble Or Stay In Said Bubble
Jared Dudley, the lovable Laker and journeyman, went on the record today to spit some nonsense. He believes players would be able to leave the bubble (like a fan leaving a concert or arena) and return without issue.
"You will be allowed to leave. Now just because you leave, if we're going to give you that leeway, if you come back with corona, you can't play," said Dudley, citing conversations between Adam Silver and Michele Roberts.
This isn't the kind of thing where you can just get a stamp on the hand or a wristband that allows you to leave your safe Corona free sanctuary and enter the wild wild west of the real world. That sort of eliminates the whole "bubble" thing the NBA is trying to create, no? Is something a bubble if it's not sealed off? I'm no physicist but I'm going to say, technically no.
What Adult Activities Will Be Available In The Bubble?
In that same interview, Jared Dudley made a very interesting remark that led me to my third question.
“When you’re dealing with 300 different players — if you’ve seen (The Last Dance), every team’s got a (Dennis) Rodman. He just doesn’t have green and blue hair,” Dudley said. “There’s always someone who’s outside the box, who does that, takes the risk and says, ‘Hey, listen, man, I’m healthy, and I feel good.’”
Then I heard Udonis Haslem talk in code on the Now Or Never pod about players needing activities to blow off steam, "an outlet" as he called it.
“[I'm worried about the] mental health aspect to it, being in the playoffs just having an outlet. Needing an outlet. You can't just lock yourself in your hotel room you gotta have outlets, you have to have different things to fulfill yourselves.”
Ah, yes. OUTLETS. I'm guessing he wasn't referring to unlimited rides on Splash Mountain... unless that's what the kids are calling it nowadays.
There is only so much fun 300 guys (and supporting cast like coaches, trainers, etc.) can have with one another for 90 full days. There needs to be a way to import in the thots. Yes, the thots… If every team has a Rodman, then they're going to need AT LEAST 16 Carmen Electras nearby to keep those players occupied.
But if players can't leave the bubble, and certainly the thots can't stay with them in the player's hotel room (WAY TOO MESSY AND DANGEROUS), what is the proper solution?
Well, in my view it's simple. Build a Thot Bubble within the bubble. Once everyone has self quarantined for 14 days ensuring no one has Coronavirus, (including the random hoes), they can have a fucking field day. It will basically be like the Rio Games when all of the Team USA players lived on a yacht, and apparently brought girls back to the said yacht from a brothel they mistakingly stumbled into.
Most Olympic games are filled with debauchery in the bubble. It's been said that the Olympic Village is the horniest place on earth, where more condoms are used than anywhere on the globe. But I think what this reminds me of more is the Biosphere 2 experiment, which, interestingly enough, is the subject of a new documentary.
While this is definitely worth checking out in full, what happened to these eight "biospherians" was they basically went nuts. "Everything that could go wrong, went wrong," one inhabitant reported.
Now, imagine this exact experience in the Thot Bubble. 300+ NBA players? Thousands of IG Thots? Hoooo boooooy. The play off the court is going to be SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING than the play on the court. Baby momma drama times a million.
So like everyone, I cannot WAIT for the NBA to get back. The games themselves might just be the least interesting thing about the rest of this season.