MEGAN FOX IS BACK!

I've been in love with Megan Fox my entire life (unlike most guys, sorry for being so unique) and I don't think I've ever been more in love with her than I am right now. You want me to list my favorite Megan Foxes? Fine, I'll do it, don't even have to ask twice.

1. Bloody Valentine

Some will say I'm a prisoner of the moment and they'll undoubtedly be probably right, but I don't care. There is NOTHING hotter than a chick rocking out to punk rock. Twerking is sexy, belly dancing is weird but hot if you're Shakira, dancing in an open daisy field is hot, it's all gold. Women moving their bodies is attractive, as it turns out. But at the very top of that list is just losing their fucking minds to a punk rock song. It's primal.

2. Reagan in New Girl

Nick's best girlfriend in the series and who he should've ended up with. After thinking about it for one second, and not a second more, I'd say that Reagan was one of the best mid-show additions to a popular series. She was smart, sexy, sophisticated, her own woman who knew what she wanted, a lot bit scary, sexy, and bisexual. She was the dream girl and she completely revitalized that show for me.

3. Transformers 

I loved Transformers. I loved thinking of myself as the little dork who kinda looked like Shia and who might be able to land a girl like Megan. I loved putting myself in those shoes. And when she lifted the hood of that car, boy did my heart skip a beat. Due to blood loss. Because it was going elsewhere. It's a boner joke. I'm making a boner joke.

4. FHM photo shoot

Tyra Banks on the cover of Sports Illustrated told a young John "hey dude, you like women" but Megan Fox told teenage John "you want to do WHAT with women?" I still don't even know what WHAT is. It's things. It's whatever she wants. Whatever Megan wants to do is what I want to do with women.

5. Jennifer's Body

This is number 5 on my list only because I only saw the movie once, I think the feminist commentary was too sophisticated for me to understand so I just thought it was an OK horror movie. Maybe one day I'll rewatch it and see if I've gotten less dumb. And then I'll have to watch it 500,000 more times to have watched it nearly as much as I've thought about that tongue fire scene.